Last night I did my usual pace across my house. I was
staring at my phone to what would be Donald Trump as the next president. I felt
hopeless. I was trying to find a silver lining, but just couldn’t.
It was at this point that I went
into introspection, because ironically the dark recesses of my mind felt a lot
safer than reality.
What I found was
something I never thought I find. It wasn’t terror. It wasn’t anger. It
was…relief.
Not to the kind of
relief that you get from your candidate winning but a relief you get when you
are in a Zen-like state.
I started thinking
about the time I drove to Levelland during a heavy rain. At one point the rain
started to get so heavy that I couldn’t see for a couple minutes. I was also
driving at high speeds, so there was a possibility that I may crash. I felt my
mortality thinking about that. I truly thought I was going to die. But after
enduring a very scaring two minutes, I was okay. The rain stopped and I got to
my destination.
I felt the same
feelings today. Despite Trump winning, I am still walking and talking, which
made me realize a very important lesson. Something I was aware of, but now has
a newfound meaning thanks to today. This story will not overshadow the day when
the sun engulfs the Earth.
People will claim
the end of the world if a certain thing happens. I’ve been seeing this a lot
with this election. “If Trump wins it will be the end of 21st
century society.” “If Clinton wins it will be the end of honesty or whatever.”
But history has
dealt with a lot worst. We had genocides, Civil Wars, religious schisms. We had
tyrants, diseases, and extinctions. Yet all of that is but a scar, not the
killing blow to humanity. And that’s what Trump is; a scar. He will come and
go, and life will move on. He might do some damage, some horrible damage, but
we will heal.
For the first time, I felt the true
beauty of being insignificant. That I am nothing but a micro speck in the
universe.
It was this
thinking that I accidentally found a sort of semi-remedy for my anxiety. Here I
am worried about the scars and the wounds. I'm worried that they might kill me.
Now, having faced a horrible scar, I am okay. I am still me; nothing has
changed. I still crack jokes. I still try to give my friends as much attention
as I possibly can. I still think like a demisexual and as a Catholic. I still
have an urge to tell stories. What am I so worried about?
Now again this
remedy might be temporary. It can still easily take one thing to bring back the
insecurities that I have been dealing with since Middle School. But as of right
now, my anxiety is almost nonexistent, and I am trying to make the most of it.
Like today after class I applied for a job. I was sheepish
at first, considering I have a lot on my plate as is, but I did it. I am just waiting
for the website to bloody submit the application.
I met with Obi for a brief moment and met his pre-med
friends. They seem like nice people. After the TASEM meeting I went to see Hand
Maiden for the College Cinephile and experience the Alamo Drafthouse for the
first time! I never thought I’d say that I got to see an Asian erotica while
eating a burger with bacon in it.
I come home feeling alright, albeit a little bloated from the aforementioned meal. I found new meaning in “the Lord moves in mysterious ways.” I
found a new approach to calming my anxiety, or shall we say, scars. I found a
hint of meaning in life even with it being obvious in retrospect.
I am a little more
complete than I was yesterday. I hope people get something similar.
