A 2022 Multimedia Round Up

I came across a lot of movies, shows, and games that would be perfect for my upcoming best of list. I have so many that my honorable mentions could potentially make all three lists more bloated than they already are. I definitely want to talk about all of them. But I don't want to elongate those blogs any further than needed. And since there are only so many 1000 word reviews I can write, I am going to compile some of the things I have watched and played into one big Honorable Mentions List. I will review a grab bag of things that won't make the cut of my best of 2022 lists but are just good (or bad) enough for me to talk about them. But without further ado, I am going to start with ones that pain me the most to exclude in my best of lists. 

Hotel Dusk: Room 215

Ah, this one hurts leaving out. The story is some of the best you can get from a visual novel. However, that doesn't change the fact that the gameplay was a complete slog. 

Hotel Dusk is a DS game. So naturally, gameplay is relegated to touchscreen puzzles which range from being kind of whatever to really tedious. 

I suppose it reflects well on the story that I endure the gameplay just for the story. I can't say the same for Kitawa Shoujo. 

Hotel Dusk has some really stunning dialogue for a video game. Not to knock on video games, but good dialogue is a rare luxury to come across, so it is nice for this game to make up for some of that drought. I have no complaints with Hotel Dusk's story. The mystery is straightforward with some clever surprises. The characters are well realized and organic to the story. I especially love the main character who might end up being one of my favorite protagonists in gaming now. If only the game had some good gameplay, you know? 

Super Crooks

It was a toss up between this and another anime I decided for the list. At the end, I decided to leave Super Crooks here as the premise of a team of supervillains isn't exactly breaking new ground, but I still loved it. In fact, this was the reason I made this Round Up in the first place. 

You can get the gist for how awesome this show is based on the opening theme. I have an irrationally high standard for opening theme music, and I listened to the opening every time I started a new episode. 

Super Crooks oozes with energy and has a cozy action movie vibe to it. It makes me think of Hackers or a Lupin III movie. A turn your brain off action ride that you can watch to forget about life for a while. 

That said, it is not perfect all around. Without going too deep into spoilers, there is a portion that gets really dark. It's such a heel turn that feels uncalled for for a show like this. Even though in the context of the story, it made perfect sense. 

So overall, it is a fine easy going action show with one section that turns into the Crawl Space episode from Breaking Bad. 

Trick or Treat Scooby-Doo!

I haven't watched a Scooby Doo film in a long time, but the clips I've seen compelled me to watch this one.

It turned out even better than the first impression. This was a ridiculously charming movie. Everyone is cutely animated, and the script gives them a lot a room to express their personality. I was cheesing throughout this entire movie.

It may not have the atmosphere of Zombie Island or the funny gags of Goes Hollywood, but there's a ton of quality here to where I might consider this my favorite Scooby Doo movie. I'm glad we still live in a world where top tier Scooby Doo movies are still being made.

Also Velma may have dethroned Willow for cutest lesbian. She is adorbs in this movie and tops Linda Cardellini as my favorite incarnation. 

Kirby and the Forgotten Land 

This game is what honorable mentions are made for. Kirby and the Forgotten Land certainly has all the wonderful bits that makes Kirby such a joy to play. However, it wasn't enough to crack the list. 

The sore spots were a big factor. Compared to other 3D platformers, like Mario Odyssey, the game lacks a lot of meat I expect from a big budget 3D platformer. Compared to other Kirby games, it seems to missing a bulk of content, likely saved for some DLC or expansion. The bulk of content we do get are lackluster time trials and hidden collectables that aren't worth writing home about. 

I also appreciate the more combat heavy aspects of Kirby. And while Forgotten Land has some excellent combat-with the boss arenas and hyper bosses being a major highlight of the game-the game overall feels lacking in that area too. Enemies lack in variety as all of them can be killed in a single swipe or combo. In the end, the combat doesn't reach the Kirby highs of Superstar, Amazing Mirror, or Squeak Squad. 

But it is still good. It's still Kirby, and it hard to go completely wrong with a friend like Kirby. 

Abbott Elementary

After Brooklyn 99, I was curious about what is the next big comfy sitcom will be. And after a few months since the end of B99's run, we got another contender. 

While Abbott Elementary isn't the rocket fire explosion that B99 was during its first couple of seasons, it is still effective in being a comfy sitcom. 

This show feels like it was catered to adults who watched children centered sitcoms growing up like Boy Meets World or That's So Raven. This is Saved by the Bell if we got to see what the teachers were doing while Zach did his heinous shenanigans like groping a girl or something. It's fairly well done. 

The acting is what carries it. The jokes and commentary are pretty standard for a show about an underfunded public school, but the delivery sneaks up on you. In particular, Sheryl Lee Ralph and Janelle James are stand outs. 

The acting also makes what are sometimes obnoxious people into very likable and understanding individuals. It's a feat to make a vapid principle, an overbearing white ally, and a conservative Christian likeable. 

Abbott Elementary is a good sitcom. It may or may not have the staying power as the greats, but it will hold your attention. 

The Whale 

I wondered if there will ever be a movie worth seeing in the theater that isn't spectacle driven like Star Wars or Lawrence of Arabia. But after my screening of the Whale, ironically after eating one of my biggest theater meals (two cokes, a burger with fries, and a order of cheese sticks), I felt the Whale shows that even a minimalist drama can be elevated by the theater experience.

If there is one thing Aronofsky is known for, it is being in your face. Usually, that method misses more than it hits. The Whale especially has a few misses with some overly melodramatic scenes and occasional spots of shallow dialogue.

That said, when watching Whale in the theaters, the in-your-face quality means you can't escape from it and further puts you in the shoes of the film's premise.

To me, this is Aronosky's more interpretative work compared to the thematically surface level likes of Mother, Requiem for a Dream, and even Black Swan. I felt more engaged with this one rather than feeling annoyed by the director's pretensions. It also has a surprising objective perspective on religion and spirituality which is something I always admired in Aronosky like in his often underappreciated Noah.

Maybe there is some fatphobia, sexism, or whatever problem Twitter pundits may have. But from my viewing, I never got any malicious vibe. I had a positive takeaway from this film and would give it a recommendation.

Trek to Yomi 

While I am fascinated with bad movies and even the occasional bad show, I am far less interested in bad games. On top of being a massive time investment, they are normally more expensive since the typical bad game out year to year is Triple AAA schlock. This year is no different with the release of Gotham Knights and Babylon Fall. 

Trek to Yomi is by no means a "bad" game. It is however the worst game I played this year. 

I was really excited for this one. The trailer was excellent, and the premise was even better. A Kurosawa inspired samurai game with authentic black and white and cinematography. I am sold. 

    

Unfortunately, I failed to realize that what makes a Kurosawa film great is Kurosawa, and Trek to Yomi is no Kurosawa. 

The story is soooo dull! Here is the premise, samuraicomesbackyaddayaddakillsevilsamurai. And in between the samurai not killing the evil samurai and killing evil samurai are cliché set pieces such as escaping the after life, defending a village, and kissing a cute Asian woman. 

Gameplay fares no better. It's a repeat of knowing when to parry and dodge. And unless you figure the complicated combo system, that's all there is to the combat. Puzzles are a formality as are the boss fights. 

It's the only game this year that felt like a slog to play from start to finish. This game deserves a pass. 

Cyberpunk: Edgerunners & Arcane

The next two I am listing together for a few reasons. 

The first reason being the obvious point that they're both video game adaptions that aren't terrible. But more interestingly, they both have the quality of having either great first halves or great second halves. 

Cyberpunk starts off so well. I am not too big on Studio Trigger aside from the Little Witch Academia short film. But holy hell, they gave it their all with this one. Pacing is lighting fast but the visuals do just enough to keep things clear. It has the Mad Max Fury Road quality where the composition is crafted to where the viewer isn't overwhelmed by the sheer chaos of a scene. Meanwhile, Arcane feels like the food's ready but no one has set the table. While the first half isn't bad, you get the obvious sense that this is all setting for important pay offs later on in the season. 

Then the second half starts, and things start to shift. Arcane, after carefully setting up its dominos pieces, perfectly executes the final moments. Arcane was one of the first shows I watched this year, and the second half still rings in my mind. And to continue the kitchen analogy, Cyberpunk got a food coma for binge eating so they somewhat lazily put the dishes away just so they can go to bed. After a really great episode in the middle of the show, Cyberpunk felt like it peters out. Again, it's not bad, but it feels like a formality. You know where everything is going by that point, and you wish it would actually get there. 

That said, both are really strong adaptions of their source material. And thankfully, it is not required to play either League of Legends or Cyberpunk to understand anything about their respective shows. I imagine both shows have plenty of little Easter Eggs and references, but I wouldn't know. And if I want to know, that would require me to play them. And to be honest, playing either League or Cyberpunk just isn't the best use of my time. 

Both in the end are rock solid shows. They have some of the best looking animation I've seen so far in this decade. They're elegantly written aside from their respective slow beginning and end which unfortunately keeps it from cracking the top ten list. 

King Richard

Part of me wanted to list almost every 2022 Oscar nomination as a dishonorable mention. I decided for the first time in a while that I watch some of the best picture nominations, and I would have saved some time if I just watched two. Apparently, the definition of best picture nowadays are pointless remakes, thematic wank fests, and the most dull autobiography I think I've ever seen. 

Still, one of these unqualified nominations have to be interesting enough to talk about, so King Richard then. Don't worry, I will spare the Will Smith jokes. 

Actually, speaking of him, I found an unintentional thematic parallel in casting Will Smith as the titular character. It's uncontroversial to say that Will Smith is a talented man. However, I never felt, during his entire movie career that Will Smith's performance ever transformed a movie. And sometimes, I wonder if a movie works in spite of his performance.

And that's King Richard in a nutshell. A movie about a man whose decisions throughout the entire movie are flawed and sometimes asinine. And yet, he is able to springboard two of the greatest athletes in sports history. It's thoughts like this that make King Richard more interesting than the average biopic. You got a fairly objective portrayal of Richard Williams. He is not portrayed as some misunderstood genius with no character flaws which I feel refreshing considering how lesser biopics of this nature are insecure of their protagonist having unlikable qualities. Here, we have a genuinely flawed but not demonized character who grows organically through the movie. 

Honestly, I was expecting a Green Book situation where they made a movie about the less interesting character, but they were able to turn around my sentiments by the end. Although, I feel they didn't need two and half hours to do it. The movie suffers from novel writing bloat where they to cram as much story content into the narrative (like a novel). 

All in all, the movie is fine. I wouldn't have nominated it with Best Picture. But in fairness, I wouldn't have nominated 80% of the nominated lineup this year. 

Cuphead: Delicious Last Course

I waited a good while for this game. Was three years and a handful of bosses worth putting on a best of list? Well, no. Was it good for here? Absolutely.

Cuphead DLC doesn't miss a beat. It's crazy this game is over five years old but replaying it felt I was playing a game that came out this year. That's a rare sensation, even great indie games feel like they were made in their time. Cuphead's style and simple mechanics are still strikingly fresh. 

It is also annoyingly difficult. The DLC is basically the fourth world of the game meaning the bosses are harder than ever. One boss almost drove me insane. I guess that boss will be in good company with that fucking bee. 

Smiling Friends

A little too "lol random" and pointless gross out for my tastes, but I think I should recognize Smiling Friends anyway. It's a bias recommendation since I have a deep affinity for Zach Hadel (aka PsychicPebbles) and the rest of the Newgrounds animators. And frankly, most of my recommendation comes from this idea that we should support YouTube creatives like PsychicPebbles and not the cancerous Youtubers that we often see get a television show. 

Despite Smiling Friends not being the godsend some people have made it out to be, I am taking this show as hopefully a sign of things to come. It won't be long before we get a phenomenal comedy show from a Youtube alum. It's not like Bo Burnham can't be the only Youtuber to successfully transition to the mainstream. 

Mank

Sort of the gimmick of this film is that this film mimics some of the style and narrative structure of Citizen Kane. It's a neat idea albeit an expected one when portraying Citizen Kane's screen writer.

However, the problem is that unlike Citizen Kane where it starts good and ends good. Mank starts rather uninterestingly but ends good.

That said, the parts that are good are rather good. Dialogue is authentically 1940s but not to the point of being annoying. It's at least dialogue I can appreciate. There is something about the punchiness and poetic nature of classic Hollywood dialogue. And to the film's credit, the acting and cinematography are excellent throughout. 

The biggest indictment for this film is that it is very much an acquired taste. You would have to simultaneously love Citizen Kane, homages to 1930s/40s filmmaking, and the writer's process in order to really enjoy this movie. If you don't, this movie will be amusing at best and a snore at worst.

Artful Escape

If Artful Escape were a movie or even a mini series, I could easily put this in a best of list. I might even put it at the very top. Unfortunately, Artful Escape is neither a movie nor a TV show. It is a game. And as a game, it wasn't enough. 

See, if this were a movie, I couldn't begin to describe how amazing Artful Escape is. The art design is mind blowing. The music is solid and thematically conveys the main character's journey. The dialogue is very well written. The story has the perfect structure reminiscent of a great 80s adventure film. When this narrative is holding your hand, it makes you want to hold on tight and never let go. 

It's when Artful Escape becomes a game that I feel it loses me. There are platforming sections that feel obligatory and toothless. There are dialogue trees and dialogue boxes that interrupt what are by themselves very well staged dialogue scenes. There are bloody QTEs which contrast to the intense context of the story. You practically jam with a god, and the way it's conveyed via gameplay is with flipping Simon! 

So yeah, I am both in love and hate this game which equals out to it being pretty ok. 

Werewolf by Night

Who would have guessed that the best Marvel thing to come out of this year wouldn't be Moon Knight or Dr. Strange 2 but a TV special dumped onto Disney+.

This was good even beyond the lowered expectations of modern Marvel movie standards. You got one of the few instances of a modern movie using black and white effectively. It does so much with so little and never overstays its welcome. It never gets to the point where it falls into the usual Marvel trappings. The villain doesn't get too much screen time for you to noticed how undeveloped they are. It doesn't feel like we are limping along to the climax. 

Well done Marvel, I formally accept your apology for She-Hulk.

Rick and Morty Season 5

As you might have guess, my worst show of 2022 is none other than She-Hulk. However, I already talked about it. And if I had to pick my second least favorite show of 2022, I gotta say Rick and Morty season 5 would be my choice. 

I know Rick and Morty has developed a stereotype of being a pseudo-intellectual honey to the pseudo-intellectual fly, but the first 2.9 seasons of Rick and Morty are truly excellent. But starting around season 4, you start to notice a decline. Episodes become less consistent. Premises start taking on the tired idea of mashing two parodies together like Voltron meets Godfather or the Dinner Game meets Little Nicky. Before you get through the halfway point of season 5, the show starts to feel lazy and not to the standard of the earlier episodes. It suffers from the Malcolm in the Middle syndrome of being tolerable but a shadow of its former self. 

Not that seasons 5 is irredeemable. There are stand outs. I think of the Mort Dinner Rick Andre episode as an example. And thankfully, season 6 seems to be a notable improvement even gaining back some of the air of what made the earlier seasons great. Let's hope in the future season 5 is simply an unfortunate fluke like season 2 of Twin Peaks or your middle school romantic relationships. 

Hellpie

In the hey day of 3D gaming, there existed what was called your "mid-tier platformer." As the name suggests, they were alright games, but they didn't quite reach the artistry as your Banjo Kazooies or Mario 64s. Your Ty the Tasmanian Tiger, Battle for Bikini Bottom, and Pacman World 2 are noteworthy examples of the unnoteworthy. Of course, all of this went away once platformers went out of fashion. 

Now in the age where almost every niche is commercially viable, we are starting to see a return of mid tier platformers, and Hellpie is a prime candidate to be inducted in the mid tier platformers club in that it's just fine. 

In Hellpie, you play as demonic office worker finding collectables. It starts off promising. You got a move set not dissimilar to a cross between A Hat in Time and Insomniac's Spider-Man. Collecting things has a nice feel to it. I also have a soft spot for stories that have a neat spin on Christian mythology, and Hellpie has an undeveloped albeit amusing take on the formula.

But it has too many rough edges to hit that next level. For one, there seems to be an grave imbalance to the amount of collectables and the rewards they provide. You have four main collectables: one that opens levels, two that upgrade your character, and another that unlocks random bonuses. While the amount of collectables to unlock new levels are fine, everything else has too few rewards to make  100%-ing satisfying. For example, the collectables that upgrade your character quickly gain diminishing returns as your character will knock out upgrades. I had an overabundance of leftover collectables with nothing to spend it on. 

This leads to problem 2 which is the level design has a tough time catching up with the strength of the player character. It is very easy to build your character to the point where he can traverse some of the largest gaps in a platformer. It becomes less Hat in Time and more Spider-Man, but the level design takes longer to follow that. It leads to few moments of genuine challenge. 

Finally, this game has the same problem most collectathons have which is that it lacks a late game tracker. This is especially annoying here since the environments are large and collectables can rarely be seen at a distance. 

 I will digress since I feel I will go full review mode on this one. Overall, I enjoyed it enough which for a mid-tier platformer is par for the course. 

Harley Quinn Season 3

In a less competitive year, and I mean far less competitive year, I could see this show returning after placing in a previous best of list. The show isn't up to the standard of the first two seasons. It lacks the same wit and mainly devolves into Harley being annoying. It's still an amusing watch but it isn't quite the powerhouse comedy it once was. 

I appreciate Harley and Ivy's relationship. It's apart of a trend I have been seeing where the romantic relationship isn't conflict heavy to where you wonder why they haven't broken up already. Each have their flaws that test their relationship, but it never felt like it was forced. And more importantly, it's shown that the characters in the relationship are actively trying to be better. Gee, isn't that refreshing. This culminates in a really effective final episode that caught me off guard in the amount of introspection from the characters. 

The only negatives is that the show suffers from the same problems any show faces as it ages into the later seasons. Characters are more flanderized. The situations have gotten more absurd. I swear there needs to be a domino meme where the "Almost Got 'Im" episode from Batman TAS leads to an episode where they are now throwing an Oscar night for all the rogue's gallery. We've really ran the colorful villains acting like mundane office workers joke into the ground didn't we?

Nightmare Alley

You know how good Pan's Labyrinth is? It is so good that after seeing that film for the first time, I have watched almost every single Del Toro film since.

I bring this up because I never given a film director more second chances to strike gold again than Del Toro. But it never fails, his films never reach past the "alright" status for me.

Nightmare Alley is another "alright" film by Del Toro. Although to its credit, this one has more remnants of Pan's Labyrinth than any other Del Toro film. But, it still lacks the technical elegance that made Pan's Labyrinth such a masterpiece.

A major sticking point is the length. The film is a classic noir story that's simple yet effective. However, the film didn't need to be two and a half hours to achieve this. You get the gist of the characters' arc, the plot of the story, and the thematic point before the film presents them to you in full. It's one thing if a film is predictable. It's another thing when you feel you are one step ahead of the movie at every moment of the runtime.

Despite yet another "alright" Del Toro film, I am still going to give this man another chance. Although given the themes of this film, that second chance feels more delusional than ever before.

Return to Monkey Island

*Spoiler Alert for Secret of Monkey Island 2 & Return to Monkey Island*

I think what's almost worse than a reboot being blatantly bad is a reboot that's just on a cusp of being great. 

Return to Monkey Island is the 'official' sequel to Secret of Monkey Island 2. And if you read my very first best of games list, then you will know that Monkey Island 2 is one of my favorite point-&-click adventure games. And one of the reasons I love it is that Monkey Island 2 has an ending that's a bit of a downer but leaves the series with room to go in so many interesting directions. It's like the exact opposite of Virtues Last Reward. 

So with Ron Gilbert finally returning to continue the series, how did he do with his version of Monkey Island 3? Well apparently, he just doubled dip the Monkey Island 2 ending but much worse! 

As you might have guess from context clues, Monkey Island 2 and Return both have what I like to call "Fuck You Endings." Those types of endings that attempt to blindside you with some type of bizarre twist like the whole story is a dream. Rarely do they work which is why the ending of Monkey Island 2 is doubly impressive. While it may seem the main character imaging the whole narrative feels out of nowhere, it gives the second game a "secret" layer. It recontextualizes the cynical tone which elevates the series as more than a silly comedy adventure. 

In Return, I don't know even what Ron Gilbert's intent was this time around with using the same exact ending. Obviously, he wants to continue where he left off with 2 by exploring the idea of escapism and inevitability of growing up, but he doesn't leave you with any takeaways or a new discovery of the ideas explored in the second one. It's. Just. The. Exact. Ending. 

And instead of flooring you with questions or a deeper appreciation of the story, you are just left disappointed. And unlike Monkey Island 2, character arcs go unresolved. Certain intrigues are downright forgotten about, and the build up does not match the payoff of the ending. I can't speak for the Monkey Island fanbase, but I like to think we wanted more closure for these characters. And Ron Gilbert's argument to move on because escapism is pointless because it's a damn video game. We play video games for that sole purpose sometimes. And while it's effective to subvert that once, a second time feels like a slap in the face. 

It does what all really bad endings do. They ruin what is an otherwise decent story. Return isn't perfect, but it has some fun ideas. Guybrush overthrows a government and destroys an endangered tree all to get singular key items which was hilarious. The quality of the puzzles are fun albeit inconsistent. They're either too easy or misleading. Although, I don't know if that is worse than traditional adventures games that are either too convoluted or bullshit.  

It's hard to talk about Return in full when the ending overshadows it. I guess the silver lining is that I was able to apply the pirate mentality the original Monkey Island games inspires. By that I mean it was very easy to torrent this game off the Internet. 

Men 

I tried to avoid bad movies this year for mental health reasons. With Roe v Wade and the dozen of other depressing things that happened this year, the last thing I need is to watch fucking Morbius. That said, I made an exception with this movie for two reasons. One, because this is an Alex Garland movie who is one of my favorite modern directors. And two, from what I seen from the discourse, this is the type of bad movie I would find interesting. 

And after watching, I can say I was somewhat correct. It was still a punishment to sit through. 

 

I am genuinely shocked how little happens in this film. I hate to plagiarize an analogy, but this film isn't just a slow boil. It is chucking a signal flare into a swimming pool. It's so lacking in substance that even when you start getting into the interesting stuff in the last twenty minutes, it doesn't feel satisfying. You can't have a rollercoaster be a 30 yard flat rail followed by a five foot drop and expect it to be good.

For the guy who made Ex Machina and Annihilation, this film is shockingly out of touch in its approach to feminist themes and commentary on gender roles. I can imagine a George Lucas movie being one the nose but not Alex Garland.  

I hope HOPE this is just a one-time fluke, and that Alex Garland isn't going Richard Kelly on us.

Other Mentions

Oddballs: I got a few chuckles from the crocodile, but it's very underwhelming under modern cartoon standards. It didn't need to have Steven Universe three phase story arc.  But jeez, a little effort in the jokes wouldn't be remiss. 

Moon Knight Moon Knight is living proof that Oscar Isaacs can carry anything on his fucking back.

Attorney Woo: For a procedural legal drama, it is one of the better ones. It's not great with some poorly thought out character arcs, but the show works in moments. 

Dahmer: This one hits on the lower end of the Netflix darling tier list. If you feel you NEED to watch it, I would just start at episode 6. 

BBC Ghosts: It's really funny....yeah I got nothing. 

Netflix's Sandman: Like the novel, it's amazing up until Dream gets his stuff back. 

Sackboy: A Big Adventure: Sackboy in a bumblebee costume was honestly one of the biggest delights I had this year. As for the game, ehhhh it's light fun, especially with a friend. 

A Short Hike: Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's about the benefits of unplugging or being present or some shit. Yadda yadda yadda, video games are art. *rips a fart* The game is fine. But Jesus, this game was so overhyped for me. 

Mirror's Edge: My thoughts on this game would be similar to a manic pixie dream girl with anorexia. It's gorgeous, interesting, and full of personality, but it's ungodly thin and would only greatly appeal to people who enjoy anime. 

Blue Fire: Take my Hellpie review, replace the words "Spider-Man mechanics" with "Dark Souls mechanics," and you will have my review of Blue Fire. Only get it if you can get it cheap.

Sexy Brutale: A time loop game I wouldn't have bothered talking about if not for the ending. That ending, and everything building up to it, is Braid-level in how excellent it is. It's worth playing an otherwise vanilla indie game for.

Ducktales Remastered: That final level can go fuck itself.  

Belfast: This is honestly one of the worst movies ever to be nominated for Best Picture, and I've seen Crash! 

For a Few More Dollars: For being the least talked about Dollars Trilogy entry, this one is phenomenal. At times, it reaches peak Sergio Leone. 

X & Pearl: There is going to be a day where Mia Goth will be in like Paddington and it will shock me to my core. Until then, we will continue to see her killing it in depraved sexually charged roles. 

Weird: The Yankovic Story: A fairly solid comedy up to the standard from the guy who made a movie that had a mop-obsessed janitor and whatever the hell the Kipper Kids are. 

Trick R' Treat: I am punching myself for sleeping on this film for this long. 

Belle: Out of all the weird movie premises out there, Beauty and the Beast but Gaston is a Discord moderator is certainly one of them.

 

Films That Click (?????? EDITION): Amelie, Sideways & MORE

So with the Films that Click or Don't Click or Semi Click or whatever series, I try to only write six of them per year as they're easy to write, and I don't want to flood this blog with too many of these. 

However, I had a lot of films that I wanted to talk about. I am a film buff after all. And so, I have a lot of films that have clicked over the years. So as a bonus episode, I thought I talk about five films that I really wanted to write about. But for whatever reason, from I didn't have much to say for a standalone review to not being able to group it with other films in a thematic way, I decided to put them on the backburner. 

 

 

Amelie

God, I forgot how weird this movie is. 

Romance movies are arguably the most risk averse genre out there. Unless you are a ground up subversive take like Her or Harold & Maude, you are likely going to get a straightforward story. 

Amelie proves that you can get the best of both worlds. You can have a cozy romance with cute situations, quirky side characters, and a happy ending. But also, you can have a shot of a baby coming out of a vagina. A perfect film for a date night. 

This film is overwhelmingly odd, sometimes arbitrarily. I have watched this film a few times now, and I still can't explain why the hell the director decided on a handful of ways they convey story bits. Part of me wants to hate it as random and pointless, but I can't. In fact, I love it. 

Amelie has a unique place in the romantic genre. It's so blatantly unique but still has an air of being a really solid romance movie. It can slap you with a surreal moment but then pull right back into the easy going nature of the romance. It is like if every other scene was the tunnel scene from Willy Wonka.

Amelie is also unique in being light in plot. For a romance movie, Amelie is less interested in being a romance movie and more a slice of life where Amelie secretly interjects in the lives of those around her. This creates a lot of cute scenarios where Amelie crafts increasingly creative methods of whatever simple goal she has in mind. Annoyed by a shopkeeper that verbally abuses his employee? Well she breaks into his house and subtly fucks with his things. She wants to help a widow who didn't find closure with her husband, so she forges a letter posing as him. Some of this stuff is messed up to the point of some things being illegal which makes it so funny when it is all done by this charming lady. 

Audrey Tautou perfects this role. This is a rare lightning in a bottle performance. And like everything else in the film, it's a rarity that it comes from a film like this. We've seen lightning in a bottle performances from villain roles, dramas, and biopics, but never from a romantic comedy. It's one of my favorite performances of all time. 

She ties everything together. The balance of being socially awkward but not off putting. The little smirk she gives when she does something crafty which is so satisfying they use it in the main movie poster. It's the type of performance where the dedicated movie buff combs through every mannerism because every choice Tatou makes has something interesting behind it. 

Originally, I was going to do a romance edition of Films That Click. And while there are a lot of romance movies I love, there are few that are interesting to talk about like Amelie. If you are a hopeless romantic that doesn't love this film, you probably voted for Trump. 

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

I recall this movie being a favorite of mine early in my movie buff career. It was also the first time a movie made me fall in love with a movie director, and Milos Forman is still on that shortlist of favorite filmmakers. 

It's been a while that I have watched or rewatched a Milos Forman movie. And right off the bat, it becomes abundantly clear that Forman is brilliant in scene design. You see this early on with the first scene with the entire ensemble together. You are tossed unprompted into this pure chaotic and overly stimulating scene. A lesser filmmaker would make that scene pointless and obnoxious. But with the cinematography and wonderful direction as the actors recklessly talk over each other, you got a thesis for the whole movie. Because at the center, you got two individuals unphased and collected. One of them is Nurse Ratched

Nurse Ratched. Good God, I forgot how good this character is. Before there was Professor Umbridge. Before there was that one bitch from Midnight Mass. There was this lady. 

Of course, she isn't great just from her character alone. Like any great villain, she is a important ingredient that mixes with every aspect of the experience. The way she clashes with McMurphy (Jack Nicholson) and how she personifies the callous and power hunger nature of corrupt public service members is unbelievable. 

It's one of the best push and pull conflicts in a dramatic movie. Ratched's strict control makes the scenes where McMurphy humanizes the patients feel earned. It's also more interesting since the vague intentions of McMurphy lends a gray quality. This isn't the cliché drama of a morally complex character that becomes good natured over the course of the movie. This does what any good authentic drama does. It asks a simple but carefully thought out question, like throwing a pebble in the precise center of a pond to create a beautiful ripple. 

What happens when you throw a seemingly sane person in a room of seemingly insane people? And the ripples are complications that make the simple question harder to answer. I don't want to list off all the complications. I have three other films to talk about. But as a quick example, the scene where *spoilers* McMurphy learns most of the cast is at the mental institution voluntary puts a sudden dart in everything we thought of up to that point. 

If I had one complaint, the movie drags at parts where I start to wonder if the movie needs the two hour runtime. Although, I wouldn't know how to improve it since every scene feels necessary. You can't leave out the scene where McMurphy teaches Chief basketball without also taking an important step towards understanding Chief's agency. 

And to think, this film isn't even considered Forman's best film, but I will suppose I will save that for the next Films That Click. For now, know that One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest is required watching. It still remains as one of the most effective films ever made.  

Seventh Seal

If there are two reasons I have such a deep love for minimalist fantasies, they would be Shadow of the Colossus and Seventh Seal. 

I won't bother doing a deep thematic analysis of this film. I feel doing an analysis on Seventh Seal would be like doing a book report on Hamlet. I would at the very least be treading old ground. That being the case, there is still a lot to dig in this movie. For a famous art house movie, this movie is very enjoyable without being a dedicated cinephile. This film is watchable despite being a foreign language movie from the 1950s and would inspire more inaccessible films like Muholland Drive and Holy Mountain. Once you get past the slow pace, the movie is straightforward at a surface level.

If this were another genre, I would describe it as a post-apocalypse. There has been a lot of films set during the Middle Ages, but none have been as grueling and upsetting as Seventh Seal. There is a real savagery as people are desperate to survive and find meaning during the worst plague in human history. If there was one takeaway I had from my revisit, the execution of the setting is still as amazing as it was in 1957 even with the blatant anachronisms. 

In the middle of this is Max von Sydow who plays a crusader in crisis about whether God truly exists. A plight so worthy of attention that he doesn't seem too bothered by the through line plot of him playing a life or death game of chess against the Angel of Death. 

As I mentioned, the minimalist fantasy elements are great. The other stand out performance other than Max von Sydow is Bengt Ekerot as Death. The performance is iconic that one wonders why Ekerot didn't have the prolific career as Max von Sydow. Well the answer is that his cigarette addiction lead to an early demise to lung cancer, but I am getting off topic. 

Part of me wished they went a tad further beyond having just a personified Death character. The most we get other than Death is a character who has second sight which is only shown a handful of times. I would have loved to see other supernatural stuff sprinkled in. But I will admit, that is merely a personal thing. I would have the same complaint for fucking Home Alone, so take that what you will. 

For how accessible Seventh Seal is, this movie makes for a perfect gateway for cinephiles wanting to get into more arthouse cinematic experiences. It's a short runtime. There is a dash of levity, which while hokey now, lessens the pretentiousness some may accuse the film of. 

The use of Christianity gives people a personal entry into more abstract themes. And finally, the themes themselves aren't more complex than the basic God questions everyone has asked themselves at one point. But, they are expressed in a creative way to make you approach the God questions in a different way. 

And that's the nutshell to why Seventh Seal is considered an all time great. It's simple but elegantly takes the most basic philosophical questions and turns it into art. 

 

Sideways

Since my Manhattan review, I have been thinking about movies with the same nuanced writing. They're hard to find movies with that kind of pristine elegance where the pace is natural and characters' actions don't feel at the mercy of the storyteller's hand. 

The first movie I thought of with that kind of writing is Sideways. Although, I think I only thought of this one first because this one also stars very shitty and pathetic characters.

Sideways is about a week in two middle aged men lives as they go on a bachelor getaway before one of the men gets married. The knot in this string is that one is a depressed alcoholic played by Paul Giamatti and the other is a self-absorbed serial adulterer played by Thomas Church. 

It's worth noting Giamatti and Church because they are the anomaly that makes this film special. Now, I don't normally think of these people as phenomenal actors. I only think of Church as being solid as Sandman in Spider-Man 3, and that's really it. Unless you are willing to stretch to include the George of the Jungle movies. And as for Giamatti, he is a decent actor, but he was always been the actor that's in every biopic to the point where it becomes distracting. I don't see his character in 12 Years a Slave or Love & Mercy. I see Paul Giamatti. 

Here, both actors blend into their roles perfectly. And all around, every actor does their master work in their respective roles. 

Sideways portrays this odd phenomenon in life where a mundane moment in life somehow manages to bring about an unexpected amount of contemplation, like when my 9th grade friend's birthday party at the roller skate rink turned into a plunge of how romantic longing can lead to psychotic gestures. Now, while my story just lead to an awkward conversation between my friend and his exe, Sideways has more going on. 

Like Manhattan, the movie doesn't give what the characters deserve bringing a layer of realism. Giamatt's character, at best, just gets the hazy indication towards a happy ending despite easily being the more sympathetic and tragic out of the two protagonists. On the other hand, Thomas Church's character, who is the cause of virtually all the problems in the movie, gets the storybook wedding ending with no cue that he learned any lessons from the trip. 

And like Manhattan, Sideways is funny. It's hard to be unsettled by the cringier moments when it is punctuated by a great gag. Well ok, the scene where Giamatti drunkenly confronts his exe over the phone is an exception and spawns flashbacks of the roller skate rink. But other than that, the movie is mostly painless. 

There is a lot to take away from Sideways even if you don't personally relate to the plight of the characters. And to reiterate, the writing is amazing. I didn't even mention how this movie has one knock out monologue after another and does it effortlessly as if monologues aren't the hardest fucking thing to write. 

The World of Tomorrow  

Through wisdom only gained through age, I learned that there is a difference between a movie and a cinematic experience. 9 times out of 10, a lot of my favorite movies were poor cinematic experiences. That's no fault of the movies as the quality of the cinematic experience hinges on the circumstances of how the movie was viewed. Lawrence of Arabia feels much less epic when watched on an iPhone. Conversely, the worst piece of shit film becomes far more palatable when you are in the company of witty friends and a satchel of weed.  

I watched World of Tomorrow in what is probably the most ideal circumstance. I was with my friends at their house. And occasionally, we will browse the Internet and watch a random thing. Usually, they were things we were somewhat familiar with. One of my friends was a trekkie, so we watched the episode that earned Star Trek its first Emmy. I like dog shit, so I made my friends sit through the God's Not Dead movies. 

One day, we came across an instance where we watched something purely on a whim. It wasn't recommended to us nor connected to us in any way. It was dropped on our lap. And after fifteen minutes, we all sat there realizing that we just had one of the best cinematic experiences ever. All that was missing was the weed. 

I insist that if you watch World of Tomorrow, and or its two sequels, that you watch with your closest friends. The conversations I had with my friends after we watched World of Tomorrow as a group was some of the best conversations I've ever had. 

You can approach World of Tomorrow in so many angles. The movie takes fifteen minutes what would take hours to convey. There is more themes per minute than anything I've seen from a motion picture. 

And the best part is that it is extremely accessible. World of Tomorrow is deep while also being extremely goofy having a Pixar short quality. You can ignore all the themes, and you can still enjoy the short as a funny back and forth between an existential clone and little girl that's just happy to have someone to play blocks with. 

I have an affinity for an oblivious and innocent child paired with a deranged or cynical adult. If you will, the Spongebob and the Tattletale Strangler. I like when optimism, no matter how contrived, somehow overcomes pessimism. 

And that's part of the resonance of this movie. You don't feel depressed about your prospects despite the existential material. It's uplifting that this movie instills that life is just a series of moments. The past is not tangible no matter how we dwell on it. And if we choose move on, we can find that is pretty easy to see how happy your day is. 

Please watch this film. There is no excuse with this one. It's short, and it is also free on YouTube. I will leave a link here. 

  

Films That Click (Part 6): Manhattan & Top Five

When I talk about my favorite movies, no movie comes with an asterisk more than Woody Allen's Manhattan. The asterisk is so big it can pass as a gauge earring. 

Typically, we view art under the standard that they pass a moral test. We praise and laud a movie that denounces a moral failing of society and upholds a good lesson. Conversely, we criticize a movie that treats immoral aspects as a positive or even neutrally. From this standard, Manhattan has received intensely negative reevaluations. And this might sound bad, but I want to give a film that is treated by many as immoral and give it a fair shake. 

But first, what is Manhattan? It isn't Home Alone or anything, so let me give a quick primer to the movie. 

Manhattan is about a man named Isaac Davis. And when we open, we learn that he is in a romantic relationship with a 17-year-old, attempted to run over his ex-wife over leaving him for a lesbian woman, is friends with someone who cheats on his wife, and oh yeah he is having sex with a 17-year old! I just want to make that clear. 

On top of that, you have a movie that is written, directed, and starred by Woody Allen who has historically been accused of many counts of sexual abuse and impropriety; much of which has been heavily documented. 

And yet, this movie is really good! 

I am not going to dance around it. In spite of a paragraph's length worth of problems, this movie is incredible. You can say a lot of things about Woody Allen. But saying 1970s/1980s era Woody Allen isn't him at his absolute writing prime is completely inaccurate. 

The writing of Woody Allen, significantly helped with collaborations with Marshall Brickman, is complete unmatched even for modern standards. It has everything screen writers spend years trying to master, and it feels so effortless in films like Manhattan. The pacing and dialogue are completely natural and consistent creating a sought after sensation of viewing a window into people's lives. The story choices don't feel influenced by compulsive habits like genre archetypes. The themes are strong but not to the point where interferes with the organic nature of the story. And finally, it's funny. Very, extremely, undoubtedly funny. 

In addition, this is one of the few Woody Allen films where the cinematography is something worth talking about. You got classic cinematography Gordon Willis, and he portrays the city of New York so well it has basically became the definitive way people view the cityscape. 

I once heard someone describe this film as "a beautiful film about awful people." And to me, that encapsulates Woody Allen and his entire influence on cinema. While I sympathize with people that don't want to uphold narratives about immoral people unless there was a layer of admonishment, I feel at the same time a layer of supercilious and even hypocrisy. The biggest struggle art always faces throughout human history is being subjected to conservative nonsense because it had the gall to be challenging. And now, the people marginalized by conservative people are taking the reigns of lambasting narrative including films made in a particular historical context. Saying the same nonsensical arguments of "this will hurt society" and "this is glorifying what I hate about the world." 

The history of challenging art had showcased violence, sex, and other degeneracies. The one thing all of those things have in common is that they reflect a truer reality than what we're normally exposed to. I don't subscribe to the idea that art has to uphold a moral standard all the time. I subscribe to the idea of art of substance can show a layer of reality. A reality that shows sometimes bad people make it through life fine with no tragic irony or moral lesson attached. And while that hurts, it is also strangely cathartic. To me, it feels less patronizing knowing that a movie is not only not telling you how to feel but outright rooting for underserving people.    

But enough about that. Likely, none of what I said change your mind, and that's fine. So on that note, let's transition from praising an accused sexual predator to praising a guy who cheated on his wife and made a tacky alopecia joke. 

I don't have much to say on Top Five, but I want to talk about it considering how underrated the movie is. This is one of the under the radar movies where I feel like I'm the only one who has seen it. 

Top Five is cut from the same comedic cloth as Woody Allen's work as it feels like a direct vehicle for Chris Rock personal life and view on the world. It's more apparent than contemporary descendants of Woody Allen such as Louie or Curb Your Enthusiasm. I mean Christ, Chris Rock plays a character named Andre Allen. That said, as someone who is a fan of Chris Rock, it's nice to see his take on this type of storytelling. One that's more slice of life and reflective. 

In Top Five, Chris Rock plays a comedian who is trying to break into serious acting. But as a result, he has to deal with the fact that no one gives shit on top of facing his struggles with alcohol and being tied to his restrictive expectations of his audience.   

Top Five certainly has a lot going on plot wise. I only gave my IMdb description, but the film has a lot more moving parts. There is the NYTimes writer that interviews Andre Allen and faces her own issues with substance abuse and expectations. There is Andre Allen's fiancé who makes it abundantly clear she is only marrying him for reality show clout. There are a slew of one off characters all played by famous Black comedians or people in Chris Rock's circle of comedy. 

Top Five has a lot going on, but it's well written to where it doesn't feel it is biting more than it can chew. And more importantly, it is a comedy that is funny. This is an actual dark comedy. Not the Skeleton Twins variety where it's a drama with a five one liner quota. While Top Five isn't a laugh a minute, I was laughing throughout the film. 

This is one of those rare comedies where I was drawn to the one-off characters. Kevin Hart gives his best comedic performance I've seen from him. And if you never thought Cedric the Entertainer was funny, I would suggest seeing him in this. Top Five feels more elegantly casted. This isn't an Adam Sandler movie where actors like David Spade are put in on a whim. There is some genuine thought and care into making this movie work.

In a lot of ways, this is about as close a movie has gotten to the feel of Annie Hall or Manhattan. The dialogue has that natural feel. The plot feels organically driven, and the cinematography is stylish without getting too much in the way (excluding some noticeable shaky cam in certain scenes). However, one point separates it. The movie isn't as deep or nuanced as some of the great Woody Allen films. 

This isn't to say Top Five isn't thematically strong. In fact, how Andre Allen struggles with being a celebrity who is constantly put in a particular box is very interesting. Here we have a character tied to expectation of being funny. He doesn't want to be funny since he associates that part of his life with his substance abuse. There is also an arrogant notion that he wants to be considered a sort of renaissance man 'cause everybody wants to be a renaissance man' as seen in the hilarious scene with DMX. His arc of finding fulfillment within the confines of being a celebrity and type casted comedian is interesting, but it is also straightforward. At least it's straightforward compared to Manhattan whose genuinely morally gray and unsympathetic characters mixed with the genre archetypes of a romantic comedy create a nuanced story. 

That said, Top Five is still a very solid film. If you want a Woody Allen movie experience but more guilt free, this one is an easy choice. 

Now if you excuse me, I got to think of another touchy topic that I want to high wire across assuming I don't fall greatly from this one. 

  

An Ode to the Legend of Zelda Games (& How They Rank)

Tears of the Kingdom is coming out, and I caught sort of a Zelda itch. I'm not the biggest fan either. Yet, I felt compelled enough to go through some of the games of the series. And then I figured, well might as well do a ranking. So, from least great to the most great, here are the rankings of every Zelda game. 

Now, to quell the people that will wag their semantic figure, let me qualify a few things. First, I am only including what Wikipedia considers to be a mainline game. Therefore, I will not consider spinoffs (i.e. Link's Crossbow Training) or side games (i.e. Four Swords). Unfortunately, this excludes the CDI games. However, considering I subjected myself to Amazing Spider-Man 2 for the last ranking, I figure the least the universe can do for me is not force myself to play those abominations. 

Secondly, I am going to rank them based on what I consider to be their definitive version. For example, I will exclude the Gameboy version of Link's Awakening in favor of the Switch version since I like that version more. I don't think it is fair to rank a game based on a worse version. 

Finally, I am only considering official Zelda releases. This means no rom hacks. Also, versions with unofficial quality of life mods will not play a factor into a game's ranking. That said, I will include an brief addendum for some unofficial quality of life mods that I'm aware of at the bottom of each entry. 

With all that said, there are eighteen games to go through, so I better get started before I get bored and talk about something else...

Phantom Hourglass

Just to be abundantly clear, I didn't finish all the Zelda games on this ranking. With some, I simply played until I had enough material to write a review on them. In the case of Phantom Hourglass, I couldn't wait to stop playing just so I could write about what is easily the worst mainline Zelda game. 

Phantom Hourglass is the sequel to the Wind Waker as well as the first mainline Zelda game to be made for the Nintendo DS. It's important that I mention the DS as this game is designed to make full use of the hardware capabilities. You might think "ah, a touch screen here and there. Occasionally using the microphone to blow dust off a map." I want to reiterate that the game makes "full" use of the hardware. In that, almost everything, from moving to swinging the sword, requires using the unique DS functions. 

To say this is slippery is not fully describing the game. It is like crawling with bars of soaps tied around your palms. The fact that simple movements can only work via the touchscreen when the D-pad is neglected makes this title dead on arrival for me. 

Now, I try to play the games without mods, but I made an exception with the DS titles. I played both games with a hack that remaps some of the basic controls to the D-pad. It doesn't remove all of the touchscreen shenanigans, but it makes it semi-playable. 

But even if the game was fully functional, I would still consider this one as one of the weakest entries. The sailing is a massive chore compare to the relaxing travel in Wind Waker. You merely set a track and then occasionally do glorified quick time events to shoot enemies and avoid traps as if the overworld travel isn't monotonous enough. The story doesn't have much going for it. This isn't a huge deal for a Nintendo game until the story stops the gameplay to have a cutscene or drawn out dialogue scene. And to top it all off, for some reason, you can't spam roll meaning you can't speed through the map without getting punished for it. I still don't know why they did this. 

But enough about that, let's talk about the Ocean King dungeon-AKA-the dungeon wildly considered the worst dungeon in Zelda history. Unlike other Zelda titles, the DS entries are centered around one big dungeon that you revisit after every chapter to unlock the next part of the game. It's dull to put it bluntly. The gimmick is that you have to complete each section under a timer, and it does nothing to add onto the gameplay but not without trying. To add stress to the timer, you are asked to avoid guards that can give a time penalty if you are caught by one. So in addition to a pointless timer, you also have pointless stealth! 

To give the game "a" credit, Linebeck is a really good companion, but that becomes a speck to the game as a whole when the game is this much of a drag. My hope for this blog was that this would give me the chance to finally complete every mainline Zelda game, and Phantom Hourglass immediately dashed that hope. 

D-Pad Mod: Doesn't fix everything and arguably makes playing it worse as you have to switch between using the D-pad to using the touchscreen. However, if you rather control Link using the D-pad, this is a solid mod. 

Four Swords Adventures 

Stripped down versions of video games franchises have never been my cup of tea. Your Pokémon Stadium variety of "let's hyper focus on one mechanic in a series that stands on multiple interworking mechanics." I am also not a fan of single player games that play better in multiplayer. 

I imagine this game is really fun as a multiplayer experience. I wouldn't know. I played it by myself. And even if I had all the peripherals and controllers needed to play this game with four players, I wouldn't be able to convince three people to play a pretty stripped down Zelda experience. 

Part of me hates putting this one near the bottom because it is quite polished. The game, in my opinion, is easily the best looking 2D Zelda game. It is a nice balance of the earthiness of Link to the Past but the colorful expressiveness of Wind Waker. The game also controls very well at least compared to bloody touch screen controls. That said, the style doesn't make up for the substance. 

You got a pretty thin story that tries to carry a series of fairly mediocre puzzles. There is only so much moving block puzzles and item based puzzles I can take. 

The thing is that the game has no growth. The way you start at the beginning is how you will be at the end of the game. Zelda is all about the growth. How one seemingly random androgynous layman can turn into a capable hero, and the process getting to that point is what makes Zelda so satisfying. Four Swords Adventures lacks any of that. There are no permanent health upgrades aside from temporary ones that last for one level. And more importantly, you don't get to keep any items. Instead, you have to find items on the pedestal, and you can only carry one item per Link. If you thought Zelda having one item slot is bad, imagine having to backtrack through a level to switch items. Now imagine doing that with the fastest form of movement being the Pegasus boots which you can't always use because the game forces you to backtrack to use another item. And once you trade your boots, prepare to roll. Roll. Roll. Roll. 

It feels dull throughout. I couldn't even bring myself to finish it (it didn't help that I lost my save file). The only time I was engaged were the boss fights which are the highlight of the game. They really utilize the four swords aspect. But unlike the regular levels, there are no instances to backtrack to get new items and the puzzles feel more organic. It lacks a lot of the frustrations seen throughout the game. It's a shame you only get one every handful of levels. 

Four Swords Adventures isn't low in the rankings because it is bad like it was for Phantom Hourglass. In fact, every game aside from Phantom Hourglass is at least pretty decent. Four Swords Adventure is competently made. However, it was severely less fun for me compared to others in the series. 

Triforce Heroes

Another multiplayer game that's worse as a single player game. However, it is a notch higher as it seems they took cues from Four Swords Adventures and addresses a few problems I had. 

Triforce Heroes does a better job leveraging the thin mechanics of its premise. That premise being you control Links that can be stacked on top of one another to solve puzzles and defeat enemies. It's barebones, but the game does a decent job keeping you from noticing. Levels are shorter with very little back tracking minimizing a sense of repetition. This plus Pegasus boots given at the start of the game makes the pacing smoother. I don't feel like I am spending minutes of the level simply ambling around the map. 

Items are given at the beginning of the level too. This means levels are designed around those items cutting back tracking even more. 

It doesn't avoid all the tedium. If you are playing by yourself, you are relegated to swapping characters via the touch screen. It's clumsy at least under the knowledge that there is a free L, R, or X button that could've been used to quickly swap between characters. There are also puzzles that operate under a timer forcing very precise switching. Puzzles that are pathetically easy on multiplayer turn to absolute nonsense by yourself. 

And while I didn't finish this game, I get the impression that the game is a bit grindy as you try to gather materials for acquiring the unique costumes. This is mitigated slightly as each level contains challenges that encourage revisiting levels. However, I doubt this would have a serious impact on grinding for rupees and materials. 

And to give Four Sword Adventures some credit, the bosses in Triforce Heroes leave more to be desired. The bosses feel more like retreads. Granted, Four Swords Adventures does the same thing. However, the difference is that Four Swords Adventures puts more effort in making the bosses a fresh experience. Plus, the art style does a lot to make up for the recycling of Zelda monsters. Here, the most each boss does utilize the stack mechanics which I established is barebones. 

That being said, the game cuts all the fat of a streamlined Zelda puzzle game. The story doesn't give the illusion of epicness instead presenting a framework of stopping a witch's curse. Oh and while you're there, get some materials to make some cute clothes. It's stupid and needless. But hey, it gets to the gameplay faster, and I am fine with that. 

So it is better than Four Swords Adventure in terms of gameplay and story. That said, it is still a slim Zelda game with nothing much going for it. And yes, it was made for the 3DS, so one may think to forgive a portable Zelda being thin. But the thing is, the 3DS also has three other Zelda games. Two of which I will be talking about later. We are at the point where the standards in portable games is much higher, but I digress. 

Spirit Tracks

Like Phantom Hourglass, the touchscreen and DS gimmicks absolutely cripple this game. But miraculously, I was able to limp along to the finish line with Spirit Tracks. I had to use the D-pad mod to make it worth sitting through, but I am not ashamed to give these games a bit of a grade curve. 

Part of me is boggled that Spirit Tracks isn't sharing the same spot as Phantom Hourglass. Because at times, this game gets as frustrating if not more than Phantom Hourglass. The overworld travel is merely setting a track and doing quick time events. The main dungeon brings back the annoying stealth nonsense that detracts from the pacing. You still can't spam roll without getting dizzy!

There is even additional bullshit such as an instrument item that can only be used via the microphone. Imagine the tedium of using the Ocarina during the Water Temple and Stone Tower spread across the entire game.  

What props it up is that the game does make more strides in improving its style. We see the return of the Ocean King style dungeon. And while I already mention that the stealth is annoying, I have to give it props for making it slightly better. 

The main gimmick is that your companion, who happens to be Zelda this time, can possess guards. This gives a reliable counter to the guards as well as tie in well with the puzzles. This separates the dungeon from the typical ones as you have abilities unique to the dungeon such as crossing spikes and lava. This plus the exclusion of the timer makes Spirit Tracks less bad than its predecessor. If Zelda wasn't such a nightmare to control with the touchscreen, I would give this dungeon a thumbs up!

The game is still bad. But, there is gotta be something to improving. Such as the dungeons and bosses which are more interesting even with the annoying touch screen controls. 

The titular Spirit Tracks, while an expected continuance of Zelda's mode of travel, is at least more viscerally appealing and doesn't feel like a downgrade like the sailing did in Phantom Hourglass. You can at least make spontaneous turns which is put to good use in certain sections when the game throws enemy trains at you. 

And as a cherry on top, the companion is still really good. Zelda is genuinely funny and charming. This is one of my favorite depictions of Zelda as a character in the series. This isn't saying much since the Zelda series only has two and a half other great versions of Zelda, but credit where credit is due. Zelda along with the music and story that accompany her, is solid. It's largely why I rated this higher than Four Swords Adventure and Triforce Heroes. It's flawed, but the soul of a great Zelda game is there. 

But going back to that sticking point, the touchscreen controls hold Spirit Tracks back. A definitive version that overhauls the entire design could easily make this one enjoyable. I couldn't say the same for Phantom Hourglass. 

D-Pad Mod: Similar to Phantom Hourglass in almost every way. 

The Legend of Zelda 

There are generally two types of NES games. There are the NES hard games which you will see one of them later on in this list. The other is what I like to call the NES quaint games. The Legend of Zelda is a NES quaint title. 

There is nothing much to this title. Other than its really organic exploration, everything about the game has been made obsolete by its successors. The combat doesn't get more in depth than hitting enemies on a particular side or using the occasional item. Puzzles are usually pushing an inconspicuous block or bombing a hidden wall. The game doesn't have a overworld map because the game was designed by a bunch of boomers. 

It's game whose only lasting draw is seeing the things that did and didn't endure over the several decades Zelda has been around. It's neat that there was a Zelda where rupees doubled as your ammo. That Keese were at one point weren't the most annoying enemies in Zelda. I wish certain weird items like the candle became more of a staple. I don't know. I have a weird affinity for the raft. 

Of course, it also established a few flaws that endure a little too long in the Zelda series. You only have one item slot and somehow that problem persist all the way until Link's jump into 3D. You restart from death with three hearts meaning you have to grind for hearts when you die. It's terrible here cause often you either have to grind rupees to buy potions, trek to a fairy fountain, or just use the enemy drop cycle. And while the enemy drop cycle where items come out in a set order may be an interesting mechanic for speed runners, it is not interesting to me. This problem applies to bombs as well. 

I guess I shouldn't skim past the game's exploration, because it does have a quality that very few games have. I like the fact there is little fanfare to actually finding things. Sure, there is the iconic jingle that plays when you pick up something or open a door, but that's really it. There is no anticipation music or anything cinematic to build the tension of discovering a cool thing. It gives the adventure a sense of realism. Because if this game was real life, there wouldn't be no fan fare. It's something I wish more games would do. 

This game's quality reflects more on the series than the game itself. The fact that there are only three games out of seventeen I consider worse than this game highlights how good the series has been since the original Legend of Zelda's release. It's a marvel that thirty some odd years later and this series is still keeping things fresh and interesting. I at least can't say the same for some other franchises. 

For what it's worth, this game holds up in the sense that its still playable. I wouldn't recommend playing it unless you're curious about the history. But objectively speaking, I have played worse. It kind of goes without saying consider I'm literally doing a worst to best ranking right now. 

Legend of Zelda Redux: While mostly cosmetic, this quality of life hack does improve the game significantly. It fixes the issue of respawning with three hearts. Your wallet can hold more rupees. It is generally an easier grind than playing vanilla. 

Breath of the Wild (Switch)

A shock for some since many consider Breath of the Wild as one of the best Zeldas or just games in general. But frankly, I am just not that into it. 

If you want a longer explanation as for why this game isn't anywhere close to being one of my favorites, Matthewmatosis' review on it more than explains it. However for the sake of avoiding being a lazy writer hanging on the curtails of a much better pundit, I will give my explanation. 

First, I am not blind to the many qualities this game has. The exploration is amazing. There are a lot of little details and the world has a sense of reality that isn't really seen in many open world games. This breeds so many organic moments where you are thinking like an adventurer rather than a player, and that is a notable distinction. For example, one of my favorite memories from my first playthrough happened while I was heading up Death Mountain. I didn't have any equipment or items, so I instantly started burning up once I entered the mountain. I instantly left and wondered how to get up there. Suddenly, I noticed an inn. Being the adventurer that I am, I figured that a merchant must be selling heat protection there in the same way any salesman would when given an opportunity to sell wares at a tourism chokepoint near a volcano. And sure enough there was, and I was rewarded for thinking within the confines of the world. 

It's telling that a lot of my fond memories are basically stories like that. Moments where you discover a fascinating location or use the sandbox in a esoteric way to solve a problem. The game is extremely flexible in this regard. It's a world that can genuinely say that it gives the player the freedom to play how they want.

Unfortunately, its greatest strength is also the source of a lot of my criticisms of the game. Every facet seems to be held back by the mentality of player freedom and diverse gameplay. The game wants you to use a bunch of weapons, so they degrade extremely quickly. The intimacy of holding onto one weapon for an entire game is lost. Combat encounters are fun, but there isn't a real benefit to completing them. At best, you will get a nice weapon that will degrade anyway. There is also a lack of permanency of clearing bases as enemy camps will inevitably respawn. There are a lot of Korok seeds to discover but then they become a nightmare if you are a completionist. Divine Beasts and shrines can be played your way but lack any personality as a result. They also don't have many cool items to discover. And for a game whose selling point is its vast open exploration, it's disappointing that the extrinsic rewards are often predictable such as the spirit orbs. 

More egregious flaws are the climbing and the story. One feels way too abundant and simple making it a chore, especially when you have the deal with rain. The other is too hands off to leave any sort of impact. A few characters aside, it is one of the more forgettable aspects of Breath of the Wild. While I can say this game is really special in how natural the exploration is. On a moment to moment basis, I found the game a bit tedious to play. 

It's a game whose death is a thousand needles. Every part of the experience feels slightly worse because of the freeform style. In the face of breaking the Zelda mold, it broke a few enjoyments that I really like in Zelda. At best, I can say that Breath of the Wild 2 doesn't have much to do to improve on the formula. Those thousand needles could easily be wiped away leaving a game to truly fall in love with. 

Skyward Sword (Switch)

If any game benefits from the "definitive version" rule, it would be Skyward Sword. If I made this list just a year ago, this game would easily be the worst title in the ranking. There wouldn't even be a contest. But now with the switch version, it complicates things. 

This and Breath of the Wild really highlight how vast the appeal a Zelda game can be when both games can cater to two very different tastes and still evoke the look and feel of Zelda. In the case of Skyward Sword, the draw is a lot of the things I really like in Zelda. The dungeons are great. Some are quite linear, but they are aesthetically pleasing and creative. I like a lot of the characters. While some people, memers specifically, have latched onto Groose and Ghirahim, I grew to really like Zelda in this one. She maybe my favorite depiction of the character. Granted, she doesn't get enough screen time, but she makes the most of what she has. It is the first time, ignoring say Spirit Tracks Zelda, that Zelda was immediately likeable. You know you got an affable female character when it makes you realize how sad and lonely you are.

The biggest positive though is that Skyward Sword for the switch fixes two of the biggest problems that made Skyward Sword the most frustrating game in the series. Those two problems being Fi and Fi. 

While I said I like the characters in this game, that sentiment doesn't extend to Fi. A soulless, uninteresting, poorly written drag, that singlehandedly drove the game to a constant halt. She is a reoccurring interruption and is one of the most patronizing tutorial characters in gaming history. This improvement alone takes Skyward Sword much higher as removing Fi's interruptions makes the game paced far better. This extends to skipping cutscenes, faster dialogue boxes, and removing redundant item notifications which were desperately needed. 

Unfortunately, no definitive edition can fix a lot of the core issues Skyward Sword has. It has the opposite problem of Breath of the Wild where it is extremely rigid. There is barely any worthwhile side content. You have easily the most linear Zelda game outside of Four Sword Adventures where overworld sections are essentially one pathway to the dungeon. The enemies, and even some bosses, boil down to hitting them with the right swish of the motion controls and nothing more. The greatness of the desert sections and the Timeshift stones are countered by the tediousness of Death Mountain. You got pointless padding like collecting notes like a monkey's paw variant of Banjo Kazooie. The Silent Realm and other stealth sections are theoretically great, but are marred by the fact that your movement isn't catered to stealth mechanics very well.  

In all honesty, it is hard to decide whether to put this game over BoTW. Like Breath of the Wild, its highest of highs are tainted with the lowest of lows. Both really exemplify the Zelda tier of "solid game with too many annoying flaws." And unfortunately, there is one more before we start getting out that paradigm.  

The Adventure of Link

Now, I am not ashamed to admit that I have used a walkthrough at least once in pretty much every Zelda game I've played. I guess my lateral thinking isn't good enough for even Zelda puzzles. That said, I will mainly use a walkthrough a handful of times. It's not like Zelda games basically require a walkthrough to simply survive, right? ....right?

Enter Zelda 2, which is easily one of the hardest games I've ever played. It took me this year, plus a walkthrough, plus an egregious amount of save states and rewinding to get through this game, and I still profess that this is one of the most genuinely challenging games ever. It's got all the fixings of a hard ass NES game. Cryptic puzzles, unpredictable enemy patterns, death pits with tiny floating enemies that knock you into said death pits, the list goes on. 

And yet, I had a lot of fun with this one. It feels like a prototype to a hypothetically amazing Zelda game that never existed. There is so much to this game that feels so fresh even 35 years later. The way customizing stats have this risk/reward factor where you skip leveling up for a different stat but risk losing all of your XP if you game over. I hate games with a game over system, but Adventure of Link is one of the few games where I don't really mind it. It plays so much into the strategy of the game, and it helps that game overs don't erase progress unless it is XP which rarely feels like a total loss. It's no different to a Souls game. 

Still, I can't ignore that this game is full of jank. I can imagine a playthrough where I didn't use save states, and it would have been a nightmare. I emphasize that this is a prototype, because it feels like that sometimes. Certain enemies have no telegraph making their attacks extremely hard to dodge. And since this is 2D, there is little room to actually dodge. 

And then, there are the blue iron knuckles, which I am dedicating an entire paragraph to because I hate them that much. Now, I understand there is no fun in a game having a dominant strategy. However, there is fun in having a "strategy," and there is no God damn strategy with blue iron knuckles. It is a crap shoot. Just jump-duck-stab and hope that you don't take unnecessary collateral damage. 

I know this game's release date is like a decade older than me but it couldn't hurt to include upgrades for some spells. The healing spell gets worse and worse the more you level up. It would be nice if there was an upgrade to lessen the magic cost or up the amount it heals. 

This is game is certainly worth playing. It's jank, but it is a fun jank like an old tire swing. I don't feel the need to give a call to action to play this game since I feel this game is finally getting the appreciation it deserves. It's long overdue that a game with interesting RPG design, great boss fights, and level design finally got its respect. Although to be fair, maybe if you weren't such a shit sometimes, you would have gotten it quicker. 

Fucking blue iron knuckles, pieces of shit....

Zelda 2 Redux: By all accounts, this makes Zelda 2 much more bearable to play. I highly recommend this hack if only for its ability to cut the amount of mana cost for spells. 

Link's Awakening (Switch)

We are officially into the tier of really solid Zelda games starting with the Switch version of Link's Awakening. 

I avoided this game for the longest time, partly because I didn't want to pay $59.99 for a Game Boy remake, but mainly because I didn't think a game that originated on the Game Boy would be anything special even with a graphical and gameplay overhaul. If NES games are quaint, then that is doubly so for Gameboy titles. 

However, unlike most Gameboy titles, Link's Awakening manages to pull away from that stereotype by being quite unique and implementing a lot of personality. 

This game is a fully fledge Zelda game. And because this is a remake, it fixes a few issues that the Gameboy version has. For starters, this is one of the few 2D Zelda games where you have more than one item slot which lowers the amount of menu usage. It's not as perfect as it can be as a few items could have been implemented into an additional button such as Roc's Feather, but it is better than nothing. You also have a much more pleasant art style. The diorama feel is great and feels more artistically earned than Brilliant Diamond which also tried the style. For a game whose themes are about dreams, escapism, and imagination, the diorama is such a precise fit. 

Speaking of themes, this is one of the more thematically rich Zeldas. Part of me wants to say this is my favorite Zelda from a thematic standpoint because, unlike another Zelda that we'll get to, this game doesn't reach for the easy cynicism that most artistic games like to strive for. Oh sure, it is melancholic in nature. The game ends not by saving the world but essentially erasing a dream world that you will grow to love as real. Yet, there's a sweetness to it. It's sad, but it is necessary. It shows a side of escapism that, while wonderful, holds a person back from moving on. I'll spare more of the literary analysis as so many people have done it already. 

Unfortunately, there is nothing extraordinary beyond the themes. Overall, it is just a standard Zelda game. At worst, this game suffers from some really bad wayfinding. You are given such a big map yet the game will only continue unless you do one specific thing on one specific part of the map. A lot of Zelda games have this problem, and it is definitely worse in earlier entries. However, I think it sticks out more here since this game is so unlike most Zelda games in terms of atmosphere and story. I wish it also wasn't like Zelda in terms of being lost on what to do next. 

That said, if you have some doubts on picking up this game, I would suggest leaning towards getting it because it is a fulfilling Zelda game. Maybe try to get luck out with a discount or emulate it if you are unwilling to give a large corporation money. 

A Link to the Past 

If I had to convey the eclectic appeal and essence of a Zelda game, I would use A Link to the Past as a case study. Granted, it is an easy choice since Link to the Past practically invented Zelda's appeal. 

A Link to the Past is one of those games where you forget how genius the game is. All the things that makes Link to the Past great feel like no brainers because it has been done to death by practically every Zelda game and other action adventure games since. It's crazy to think that at one point, a video game had to establish the most basic things first, and Link to the Past is one that help standardize how video games would be structured. 

This game effortlessly does so much for the Zelda formula. The first game to have a second world which is a reoccurring thing in Zelda. It's split into two distinct halves which reinforces the simple yet effective gameplay loop. The game sprinkles extra upgrades around the world to discover far beyond any Zelda title up to that point. It holds up incredibly well. 

However, it's timelessness is about the only thing this game has going for it. That might sound oxymoronic, but let me explain. Usually, a Zelda game has something mind blowing that keeps the game fresh years after it came out. For example, the way the 3 Day Cycle is for Majora's Mask. 

Unless Link to the Past is one of your first Zeldas you've played, it doesn't have that unique draw. The alternate dimension gimmick that acts as its only unique draw has been done in four other Zelda games. Seven Zelda games if you include Twilight Princess, Minish Cap, and Skyward Sword. 

It's a shame that Link to the Past is a victim of its own innovations. For what its worth, it is still a blast to play. And to give Link to the Past some credit, it has little stand out moments. The scene where you get the Master Sword is still unmatched. The parts where you interact with townsfolk or other creatures in Hyrule is still charming despite the complete lack of cutscenes or expressive animation of later games. 

You also have one of the more open Zelda games with the dungeons in the second half of the game being completed in any order. I find this more freeform than the original Zelda. Sure, Zelda 1 is far more open. The focus on leaving choice to simply dungeons and extra items is less intimidating; it's the ice cream flavor effect in action. In addition, Link to the Past latter half dungeons doesn't require dungeon items avoiding enforcing a order like in Zelda 1. 

For me, Link to the Past does all the Zelda things well but not particularly excellently leaving me satiated but unimpressed. For that reason, it is a Zelda game I almost never revisit. If this game is among your favorites, I am sorry, and I hope you had an easy time getting your heart medication today.

A Link to the Past Redux: Like all the previous redux mods, this addresses all the dated qualities of Link to the Past. I would also recommend trying the randomizer for this game. 

Oracle of Ages & Oracle of Seasons 

I should note that there were a handful of Zelda games that I haven't played prior to starting this review. Naturally, I took the liberty to finally playing those blind spots. And if I had to pick which game(s) that were the biggest surprise for me when visiting for the first time, it would definitely be the Oracle games. 

I am pairing Oracle of Ages with Oracle of Seasons together because I don't have much to say that would require separating the two. And more importantly, it is practically impossible to separate the games as mutually exclusive. 

The biggest surprise when playing these games is that they are not like other games with paired titles like Nier or Pokémon. Unlike those games, the Oracle games really run with the concept of having two similar games paired together. For starters, both games are not alike at all. In Oracle of Seasons, you get a more action oriented 2D Zelda alla the original NES version. There's even some returning boss fights like Aquamentus and that four headed clam thing. As for Oracle of Ages, we get more emphasis on puzzles including one line drawing puzzles and block puzzles. Their overworld core mechanic is practically the same, but they're contextualized differently with Oracle of Ages and Seasons having time travel and changing seasons respectively. 

Secondly, and my favorite part about the pairing mechanics, is the two games have a ton of interaction. Upon finishing one game, you are given a code which links to the other game thus turning a standalone game into a sequel. Characters and events carry over from your first playthrough depending on what you did. You unlock a secret dungeon and a true ending sequence. You also gain unique items iconic to the series such as the mirror shield. 

Together, they become the longest Zelda in the series, and it is pretty good. This game has such a joy to it. It isn't trying to be subversive like Link's Awakening. Like the next game on this list, it is just a nice pleasant game. You got talking animals. You got a sort of 80s fantasy movie feel where the plot is silly but taken seriously. The drama has some edge with actual stakes. I was shocked I was this drawn to a Game Boy Color game released in the early 2000s. These games were one of the few Zelda games to be designed by Capcom, and Capcom seems to focus on the idea of Zelda as comfy games. Considering what I love about Zelda is some of the comfy nature, and I have a more of a bias towards this game. It's a shame Capcom only went on to design three of them. 

If I had any problems with this game, it would be the same problems I have with the other 2D Zeldas. Say the three O's with me now: "One item slot, Obtuse sections, and Overly repetitive combat." However, these problems were more forgivable in this game since the Oracle titles were just so damn charming for me not to care. 

Minish Cap

With these rankings, I try to revisit all the candidates that fit the criteria. Well as I already mentioned with Phantom Hourglass, I didn't do the same with this list. Zelda games are quite long. Most games average about twenty to thirty hours depending how fast you play, and I ain't going to do that times eighteen. 

This leads to Minish Cap which is unique in being the shortest traditional Zelda game in the series. It took only a weekend to replay this game, and it felt like a splash of water. 

I have a bias for shorter games (when done right). It lends itself to situations where the game feels incredibly jampacked with no sense that the game is wasting your time. It is a very short but sweet game. 

This game is so underrated. There is so much to love about Minish Cap. And while each Zelda game gets praise for its creativity, I don't hear this game get brought up in the same circles. The premise in this one is that you can shrink to the size of an insect. And like the best Zelda games, they really run with the concept. They also integrate it well with the dungeons which is unique with Zelda. Often in dungeons, they are mutually exclusive from the main gimmick of that Zelda game. With a few exceptions, like the Sand Temple from Ocarina of Time or Tower of Gods from Wind Waker, they don't really embrace the concept in dungeons. With Minish Cap, every dungeon uses the shrinking element in some way. Throwaway enemies become full on boss fights and random objects become a larger obstacle when moving around. 

You also have arguably the best companion in the series in the form of Ezlo. I guess now is a good time to bring up what makes a good companion. They are such an essential part of Zelda, and I have only mention them in passing.

There are three traits that I like in a Zelda companion. They good ones are often helpful, unintrusive, have a great personality, and basically are the complete opposite of Fi. Few never manage to strike all three. Ezlo from Minish Cap is one of those few. He is so great. He is as natural as the hat Link wears. Even though I've played the game before, I still read his advice because Ezlo gives the game so much more personality. In fact like the Oracle games, Minish Cap exudes a ton of personality. 

I had a tough time deciding whether Minish Cap was the best among the Capcom Zeldas, but I think this game wins me over purely over its precise length. The Oracle games can be pretty bloated by comparison especially when you play them together. The collectables, while shallow, are more fun in Minish Cap. Putting together puzzle pieces is a little more satisfying than collecting rings. 

It still got the annoying one item slot. And yes, this will be the last time I will be complaining about this shit. 

Majora's Mask (N64)

For a lot of people, this is consider blasphemous to rank Majora's Mask as the fifth best Zelda game. It's the hipster golden child of the Zelda community, and they are eager to make sure you know. 

To their credit, their sentiment is not without reason. Majora's Mask is great. If Link to the Past is a good case study on how to showcase the broad appeal of Zelda, then Majora's Mask is a good case study on how to perfect the unique Zelda mechanic. 

For those who don't know, in Majora's Mask, the world operates under a three day cycle. You, the player, have to do as much as you can under those three days: collect masks, complete dungeons, and finish side quests. Not doing so, or choosing to reset to Day 1, will reset the world. Aside from a few key story items, everything from NPCs to completed sections will return to the state as if you never interacted with them. 

This was another walk though heavy game for me. The three day cycle mechanic is utter genius in execution, and no game that tried to replicate this mechanic has come close to surpassing. That said, it doesn't address the common problem in time cycle based games. That being that they aren't exactly great on first playthroughs. 

I'm not very familiar with this game, and by extension not good at time loop games, so this game is more trial and error for me than other Zelda games. And since I already established that I prefer Zelda games for their comfy nature, and Majora's Mask becomes less my cup of tea. The dungeons are a massive difficulty spike if you were acclimated to the basic Zelda dungeon. With this plus a time limit and some obtuse sections, and this game is one of the most challenging Zelda games. 

It's a game I merely appreciate than like. However, it speaks to the stunning brilliance of this game that I appreciate it enough to rank it as fifth best despite not personally enjoying it. 

This game is unbelievably creative with handling its premise. They use the entire buffalo when making this game which is insane considering the unusually short development time. I guess the short turnaround lend itself to a situation where the developers didn't questioned or judged their decisions. So because of that, we get an entire side quest covering three days to get one mask complete with an intriguing story and climatic pay off. We get a villain that feels like an antagonist from a different game that decided to invade this one. We get a disarming examination of death in a game of talking fish and plant people. There is a surprisingly realistic portrayal of people facing the last moments before the end of the world. There are aliens for some reason!

It's a game with so much confidence, and it is infectious. While I don't love actually playing it, it doesn't mean I don't love sinking my teeth into its melancholic bones.  

Majora's Mask Redux: It's another redux! What else do you want me to say?!?

Twilight Princess

Twilight Princess is a game where with a couple of changes could easily be my favorite Zelda game. Combat reached its peak with the hidden moves. This plus a wonderful sense of game feel creates such a smooth flow in the combat. It has my favorite companion in the series in the form of Midna. And while the graphics haven't age particularly well, I love this game's aesthetics and atmosphere. It may not be for everyone, but it sits so well with me. 

The bosses and dungeons are also phenomenal. There is no weak dungeon or boss in this game. All of them are interesting, visually stunning, and memorable. And as someone whose favorite aspect of Zelda is the dungeons, that is a big plus. 

I like the characters and some of the story beats, so why do I place this game as merely the fourth best? 

Well, in order to play Twilight Princess, you have to sit through the worst opening hours in any video game ever. Now, a lot of great games have weak opening hours. See Earthbound as an example. However, there is something about Twilight Princess that is so offensive. You got to spend ten to fifteen minutes being introduce to every single little thing. You need a section on how to use your fishing rod. You need a section on how to control your horse. You need a section on how to aim with a slingshot. You need a section on how to use your sword. Beyond the tutorials are the tedious wolf sections. After you are turned into a wolf, along with being painfully introduced to every mechanic of the wolf via tutorial, you have to hunt for bugs which last way too long at least when considering what little you can do when in wolf form. The Wii U version curbs this aspect a little bit, but I don't think it is enough. The first two hours cram in way too many tutorials and chores. By the time you get to the Master Sword, where the game becomes practically untouchable for me, you are extremely drained from the experience. There are literally too many starts and stops early on making it one of the worst paced opening hours I've seen in a video game. 

Additionally, the game owes a lot of its identity to previous installments, specifically Ocarina of Time. Granted, some of those ideas get neat little spins in Twilight Princess such as the hammer being changed into a cool ball & chain. However, there is no truly unique element that can be seen in many of the more well regarded Zelda's. You also get the sense its drive to evoke other Zelda games hampered Twilight Princess' pacing. We aren't arduously going from the woods to Kakariko to Zora's Domain one sequence at a time for the purposes of creating an engaging story. We are doing it because Ocarina of Time did it. Similarly, things like the Twilight Realm feel like they weren't developed beyond the idea of trying to be like other famous Zelda mechanics. 

It's a game held back by the comparisons to its older brothers. In a world free from those comparisons, this is easily the best Zelda game. Hell, in a world where Twilight Princess had a better first two hours, it can be one of the best games ever. Unfortunately, we don't live in that world. But despite that, it is still one of my favorite Zelda games. If you have never played a Zelda game before, this game will really impress you. 

Ocarina of Time (3DS)

This may not be my favorite, but it is easily my most played. There is something about Ocarina of Time that just clicks with me more than the fan favorite titles like Majora's Mask or Breath of the Wild. 

Most Zelda games manage to do one thing really well. Maybe it is the atmosphere, the dungeons, or the exploration, but Ocarina of the Time manages to do everything fairly well on the title where Zelda was making the transition to 3D. 

A handful of games are often overhyped as being one of the greatest games ever made, and Ocarina of Time is practically the poster child of that sentiment. Some will push back against that going as far as to say Ocarina of Time is a dated slog. While I don't think Ocarina of Time is the greatest game, it's influence on the gaming canon cannot be ignored. I love it the same way I like Citizen Kane or Great Gatsby. A very innovative work that manages to contain a series of timeless moments that feel almost ethereal. 

While every Zelda is great for its moments, I mainly think of Ocarina of Time in exclusively in moments. The moment where you enter in Jabu Jabu's Belly. The moment where Ganondorf turns into Ganon. The moment where you discover Sheik's identity, fight Phantom Ganon, and touching the Master Sword. It is just an experiential game that resonates silently within you. 

Yes this game has flaws. The game basically requires that you play the 3DS version if you want to play it officially as the N64 version can be very frustrating. Aiming sucks thanks to the N64 analog stick which makes certain minigames and the Poe side quest into a nightmare. The menu UI doesn't load fast enough. And in cases like the Water Temple, where you need to access the menu constantly, this too becomes a nightmare. Even ignoring the problems that were fixed by the 3DS version, the game has some frustrating fast traveling. You have to memorize a particular song to go to a place that may not have utility in terms of travel. The Fire Temple is annoying, and there are certainly some classic Zelda moments where you are left aimless with no idea where to go next. 

However, I feel these flaws are often the center of the discussion as sort of a mainstream push back against the mainstream hype, but I don't want to indulge in that. The way I see it, no flaws will change the fact that this game is such a seminal experience. 

I love this game so much, I ranked a video essay on this game as one of my favorite movies of 2021. That's how much I love it. If you haven't played it yet, then why are you reading this? This is an almost 10,000 word blog about Zelda, and you haven't played Ocarina of Time? What the fuck is wrong with you?

Various Ocarina of Time Mods: God there are so many. You can put on a blindfold and walk straight into Google and hit your head on a handful of them. Here are my favorites (1, 2, 3) 

A Link Between Worlds 

If I had to pick an "objective" best Zelda game, I think the one I would nominate would be A Link Between Worlds. Most Zelda games are not without flaws. In fact, I have manage to point out at least one glaring flaw in pretty much every entry and will continue to do so for the next game on this ranking. However, I can't say the same for this game. A Link Between Worlds is the closest I can think to a perfect Zelda game. 

Having no nostalgic attachment to A Link to the Past, this game manages to perfect everything that makes Zelda wonderful. It's got all of my favorite ingredients: great dungeons, creative bosses, and comfy side content. You also have two of my favorite gimmicks that Zelda has ever done. For starters, you are given access to almost every major item in the game in the form of a rental shop. This opens up the game in such a way where you can tackle almost every dungeon in any order. And unlike Breath of the Wild, them frontloading all the best items early on doesn't take away from the extrinsic value of the discovery. Each dungeon contains something of value whether it be a sword upgrade or a new set of armor. This has the added benefit in multiple playthroughs since you can home in on particular dungeons to get upgrades as soon as possible. The rentals also make death more of a punishment since dying makes you lose all your rental items. 

The other is the new ability where you can mesh into a wall and turn into a moving 2D painting to maneuver around the level. It's so genius and meshes so well with the isometric environment that I honestly wonder why this idea wasn't done before in another Zelda game. Like Portal, or other brilliant navigation mechanics, it essentially changes how you view the world. There are so many simple puzzles that involve this mechanic, but they are so satisfying simply because they are so ingrained in a traditionally laid out 2D Zelda. It also explains why it avoids the criticisms levied at Twilight Princess by being a rehash of Link to the Past. Despite literally copying and pasting the same overworld and dungeon layouts, the wall mesh mechanic makes it its own unique thing. 

I feel almost bad that I am not criticizing this game, but I frankly struggle to think of anything wrong with it. I guess it is annoying that you have to grind for rupees in the event you don't have money to repurchase rental items, but that would be a rare situation since the difficulty isn't too bad. You would have to be extremely reckless to run into this problem. 

I also feel bad that an essentially perfect game is only my second favorite game in the series. It's even a 2D Zelda game with more than one item slot! God, I am going to have to work overtime to stretch that explanation for why the next game is better. I guess I will do that now...

Wind Waker (Wii U)

I mention before that part of what makes Zelda special is its eclectic appeal. The entire catalog is so varied that almost any type of gamer can find a Zelda game to love. If you like nuanced gameplay mechanics that test your skills, then you should try Zelda 2. If you like a gripping atmosphere and thematically appropriate game mechanics, then you should try Majora's Mask. If you like your hands dipped in honey while you pretend to play a good game, then you should try Phantom Hourglass. I could go on. 

As you can probably guess, I'm the type of gamer that loves Wind Waker. I think what's so appealing about Wind Waker is that this game is unlike any game I've play. There is this indescribable feeling that I can get from only this game, not from any other Zelda or adventure game for that matter. 

Lots of games are structured like an adventure. Some pundits would inevitably throw out Campbell's monomyth theory. However, there is a difference between something being an adventure and feeling like an adventure. This game FEELS like an adventure. 

Wind Waker, better than any Zelda, immerses the player into the world despite being more linear than the original Legend of Zelda and lacking the simulation mechanics of Breath of the Wild. The secret ingredient is Link, who is easily the most expressive version of the character. It's the personality that ends up effectively achieving Miyamoto's philosophy of "linking" the player and the protagonist. The blank slate nature of Link has always been a contention for me as all it did was expose the gamey aspects of Legend of Zelda. I never felt I was saving the world or the princess. I approach it with the idea that I beat the game once I complete this objective. By making you empathize with Wind Waker Link, who is earnest and childish, you are more ingrain to see the goal through his eyes. You are not "beating the game." You are saving Link's sister. 

And once you are off, you are presented with one fun adventure set piece after another. You break into a prison. You help tribes with their problems. You explored a zombie filled crypt underneath a condo. 

In one sequence, you have to find a guardian whom was forced out of its island. What was originally a section designed as a substitute for a third dungeon due to a rushed development cycle ended up being my favorite sequence. There is a layer where you have to improvise and feels like the adventure isn't designed around you which is rare in the Zelda game.

This is why the second half leaves a bit to be desired. On top of the fact that there is clear padding from the aforementioned rushed development, the game becomes more of a Zelda game where you have to get the set amount of Mcguffins. It becomes less about saving your sister and turns into another Zelda game. This is mitigated in the Wii U version, but it says a lot about the quality of the second half when having less of it is an improvement. 

Still, the first half is more than enough to satiate me. And to its credit, the second half also some highlights such as the ghost ship and Earth Temple. 

And if you play the Wii U version, you will have one of most streamlined Zelda games. There are few annoying control issues. There are a lot of customizable features such as immediate access to Hero Mode and multiple controller options. 

I feel like I scratched the surface with this game. I haven't even delved into the art style or Tetra. Honestly, I might have to do a game retrospect of this game later down the line. I have so much to say on it. But I will leave you with this. Wind Waker epitomizes all the qualities of classic Zelda, modern Zelda, and everything in between. It's adventurous, absorbing, and feels alive. Few games makes you forget you are pushing buttons quite like Legend of Zelda. And even fewer can make you forget you are playing a game at all quite like the Wind Waker. 

Better Wind Waker: If you prefer to play the Gamecube version but with some of the enhancements of Wii U version, then this one is for you. I frankly don't have much to say on this one. I guess I appreciate that the mod isn't just called Wind Waker redux.