Only 5% of bloggers earn a full-time income from blogging. It's a statistic that always rings in my head when I start a new entry. I know these blogs don't make any money, and I know that they barely get any attention. I think my pothead friend from college reads them??? Ah whatever.
That said, there is one benefit to writing a blog that gets little to no reaction. There are times where I feel putting my feelings out there with the notion that I am simultaneously risking being noticed and assured that nothing will come from these words. It can be exhilarating. It is like screaming in public with no one in sight. You can almost guarantee that no one is around, but the possibility of not being alone while you shout into the void is what makes it exciting.
But at the same time, it almost feels cowardice? I am not really taking a risk. It is almost an illusion of risk. Am I really being vulnerable? Am I truly showing my true authentic self?
I recently watched "Jerrod Carmichael: Rothaniel" which came out in the beginning of this month. Carmichael is easily one of my favorite comedians, and I love every single standup performance he has ever done. I even bought an HBO subscription just to see "Rothaniel" as soon as I can, and I am a cheap motherfucker. I guess that is secret number one that I will share about me. I only purchase media and subscriptions if I absolutely have to. If that shit is on Putlocker or on a decent emulator, then that's where I will be at.
I suppose that is my review of "Rothaniel." "It was so good, I didn't resort to piracy to watch it." Yeah, put that on the poster. However, I am not here to talk about the special per say. One because I like to think I am above reviewing a fucking comedy special. I mean, you either thought it was funny or didn't think it was funny. Unless you are saying inflaming shit like Dave Chappelle, I am not going to have an in-depth opinion on your special.
With "Rothaniel," it is practically the same way, but I had a unique reaction to this special that I have never felt before.
The thematic crux of "Rothaniel" is one of truth, revealing lifelong secrets, and truly being your authentic self. Carmichael does this by revealing two profound truths about himself. The latter truth being that he is a gay man.
You can tell it is a vulnerable hour for him. I empathize with that weight. I remember the first time I ever came out to someone. It was like trying to vomit up a boulder. So many little thoughts and emotions go through your head. The closest I can describe for those who never had to go through that experience is that it is mixture of skydiving, asking out the most popular girl in school, and calling your boss a cunt all at the same time.
I was proud of Carmichael for showing that bravery. Even though he already came out to friends and family, you can tell it was hard for him to do it on stage. He knows that his life will not be the same after that one hour. It hits harder than other media that either portrays or evokes the coming out experience. Something like "Love, Simon," while good, doesn't really showcase the anxiety inducing experience of telling someone who you really are.
Yet, can I truly empathize with what he is going through? I am going to be honest. While I have came out as an asexual to some people, I am not truly out. You can say I came out in the same way some shout in the void. I have certainly told some people, but my sexuality is still considered an open secret. Case in point, I thought I would go through all of my Facebook friends and tally the percentage of people who don't know I am ace (or I think they don't know) and found that about 5% don't know. These aren't just strangers. These are people who know me! They're friends, family, coworkers. I just never told them. Because frankly, I don't want to go through that process with certain people in my life. You can imagine why.
And as a side note, I can only imagine the people who can't come out without putting themselves in literal physical and financial harm, but that is another topic entirely. I just wanted to say for the record that my musings here aren't for people who are in that situation, and my hearts go out to people who are in those terrible circumstances.
Anyway, I take pride that I don't operate under a 'filter.' I often speak my mind. And if my words or actions carry enough conviction, I couldn't care less what people thought of me. Yet, I don't feel like I am living my authentic self. I feel like a hypocrite, judging those who act fake but turn around and put on my non-asexual mask under certain contexts. I recently filmed a rodeo for a side gig at the time of writing. And let me tell you, being an ace man in a conservative environment is a trip. I always got the sense that, despite not being out, that people around me certainly notice something...off. They notice that I don't stare at an attractive girl walking by despite a trio of men ogling while they have their beer. They notice a lack of relationship problems in my life. They notice that most conversations I have with the opposite sex don't have a vibe of an "ulterior motive."
"Rothaniel" exposed me to how hidden I can be. But instead of making me feel bad about it, it showed just how freeing letting your secrets go can be. There is a great Ian McKellen quote: "Life begins to make sense when you are open and honest." I never really understood what that meant until now. Because now, all that time and energy hiding apart of myself can be dedicate to more fulfilling things. It becomes easier to love and express yourself. Life starts to make sense when you are given true freedom, because life and freedom go hand in hand.
"Rothaniel" was the first time in a while I can recall wanting to thank a piece of media. I want to thank Carmichael for his bravery. This special is going to do so much good for the queer community and even people beyond that. Anyone who struggled with a secret that has burden them can find a release with this special. I know it has me more motivated to be more vulnerable and open with the people around me, and I hope it does the same to you.
Happy International Asexual Day.
...Oh also, I had a crush on a girl name Miranda while I was in grad school. I figured I throw that out there. I mean, it is not like she is going to read this far.
