Coffee may be the cultural zeitgeist of our global society. It is the root of cozy mornings and day job coping. It's the most common obsession I've seen among my peers.
I've always had a fascination with coffee ever since I was a kid. My grandfather would be seen drinking one after church every Sunday morning when I would visit him. And throughout my life, I would flirt with the idea of drinking coffee but would never get fully into it aside from brief bouts of heavy workloads from a college semester.
Before you continue, know this review is more akin to a badly written recipe book. If for some weird reason you want an actual review of the most basic ass coffee brand, just skip to the last several paragraphs for the review. Like, this is entry is basically a joke. What loser actually reads a review for fucking K-Cups?
That brief bout returned during my current day job when my work made a little coffee bar in the break room. There was a Keurig coffee maker with it and next to it were a visible drawer of a random assortment of K-cups. I was feeling nostalgic for the smell of coffee, so I got it started. Well, I got one of my coworkers to start it. Like I said, I don't drink coffee often, so coffee machines are as foreign to me as alien machinary.
It sort of awakened a curiosity. Later during the weekend, I walked through the grocery store aisle and saw arguably the most famous coffee brand second to maybe Starbucks. It immediately caught my eye. My favorite shade of red gradient into the yellow reminiscent of the Sun rising, reinforced further by minimalist lines shaped like vibrant rays of the morning's first sunshine. It's standard quality graphic design. I picked up a box, smiled, and spoke to myself. "heh heh, remember when they made that incest commercial?"
Back in the days where I had to get up for school in the morning, my mom would put on the Today Show. I imagine I wouldn't be as jaded now if it wasn't the superficiality of morning news programming. For my entire childhood education, the best part of waking up was televised showcase of the cynicisms of American society, but I digress.
One of the commercials that ran between Today Show segments was the now infamous Brother and Sister Home for Christmas Folgers promotion. It was one of the few commercials I remember quite vividly, and it is likely because this commercial is fucking weird. In the words of Mr. Plinkett, I didn't noticed, but my brain did.
The commercial begins with a man exiting a taxi and approaching a house. A girl staring out the window runs to open the door before he knocks. He makes a facetious comment that he has the wrong house. The girl excitedly responds with "sister!" It should be noted that this is the only time in the commercial that references that they're siblings.
The brother then comments that he was in West Africa. Apparently, they don't have real coffee according to his relief to smelling the Folgers being brewed even though Africa is one of the biggest exporters of coffee beans in the world. Yes, this bothers me more than the incest undertones.
The parents wake up to the coffee and run down stairs. The brother gives his sister a present. There is a pregnant pause before the sister puts the bow on his chest before saying in a really uncomfortable tone, "you're my present this year." There is another intentional pause before the parents come in an interrupt whatever fucking indescribable tension was filling the air.
That's really why it's hard to dismiss the undertones. While there is a clear plausible deniability, the lack of typical sibling rapport adds a weird vibe to the interaction. I mean my God, the girl only mentions they're siblings and everything afterwards doesn't convey any sibling relationship. The mise en scene have weird choices like having the sister sit on the counter to be casually close to the brother. The lack of backstory of why the brother was in West Africa. The odd acting beats feel pointless. Or the weirdest choice, why the fuck is the sister greeting the brother and not the parents? I wouldn't do that shit for my siblings even if they were returning as prisoners of war.
You know, it's one of those commercials that gets weirder the more you think about it. I feel like the person who pitched this promo has no idea how siblings work. The undertones definitely feel accidental. It's clear they wanted to do a spin on the son coming home from overseas with the typical sentimentality that is common from the Folgers at the time. I imagine they wanted to avoid any goofy antics expected from siblings like the sister giving him a purple nurple. Although, you can imagine the girl is thinking about giving him a purple nurple in a more intimate fashion once they have the house to themselves....
Anyway, I bought some Folgers K-Cups to try at work.
I popped in the K-Cup and let it brew as I tended to fitting my leftover sandwich in the cramped break room refrigerator. After it was done, I took a deep smell which was extremely bitter. It smells the way incest feels.
I don't drink coffee black but took a few big sips just to have an understanding of what it tastes like. And unfortunately, it doesn't fare better tasting exactly like hot water. The box states the coffee is for easy drinking, and it is easy to drink. Though, it also says it has a robust flavor which isn't the adjective I would use to describe hot water.
After adding my preferred amount of sweetener, which is three packets and no cream, I was able to moderately enjoy it. The easy going nature it advertises shows through and it became a cozy drink for my morning. You can say it was the best part of waking up but fucking anything can be the best in the 9 to 5 grind. If everyone had the four day work week with six figure salary, you would need a hot model blowing you and a puppy to top that.
I suppose that's why my curiosity of coffee has turned into a fixation worth writing about. I don't need it for the caffeine, and there are plenty of drinks and dishes that match the warmth of coffee. However, for a brief moment, I am able to look forward to something. And since trying this coffee, I am now interested in pursuing my ideal coffee experience.
And so, my journey continues. The feeling of play pretend at recess is reincarnated to morning explorations of the holy grail of coffee and having fun ruminations along the way. That said, I have a bad feeling run ins with sexual degeneracy won't be in just this entry. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if I talk about incest again in another coffee escapade. If I am to succeed in this quest, I need to drudge through the gross annals of Americana.
So welcome to America. I already got the pot of coffee started. Feel free to help yourself.
