Many moons ago, I reviewed a bunch of Spider-Man movies and ranked them. I love Spider-Man. I love putting things in a list. Naturally, it is one of my favorite blog entries Ive done.
A few more Spider-Man films have since come out since that entry. And while the OCD side of me wants to review Across the Spiderverse and No Way Home. I honestly don't have much to say for either. Ive said my piece for Across the Spiderverse in my favorite movie list. And yeah, I promised I would review it fully, but that was before I realized that I already said everything I wanted to say. It's a perfect movie and this generation's Toy Story 2. It not only topped Into the Spiderverse but made it obsolete. And yeah, I don't think there will ever be a better Spider-Man movie ever again.
And as for No Way Home, I think my sentiments are similar to Far From Home with a dash of fun nostalgia and a slightly better story. Where Far From Home felt like a TV episode, No Way Home felt like a decent season finale. Not a series finale, like a season 3 finale in a 7 season television show.
1. Across the Spiderverse
2. Into the Spiderverse
3. Spider-Man 2
4. Homecoming
5. Spider-Man
6. Spider-Man 3
7. No Way Home
8. Far From Home
9. Amazing Spider-Man
10. Let There Be Carnage
11. Venom
12. Spider-Man TV Trilogy
13. Amazing Spider-Man 2
So here are my rankings for all the Spider-Man movies as it stands. Now that I got that out of the way, I can get to the fun part of this review. Let's review some traaaassssh.
Morbius
The thing with those movies is that it is usually a one movie affair. It is rarely an entire series of films, and Morbius is the opening act.
Now, to cut to the chase, Morbius is not a so bad it's good movie. It is however a fascinating display of failure.
For starters, this is the most generic comic book film I have ever seen. The kind of generic seen in the 2000s when they were still figuring this genre out. This movie came out in 2022, and it feels more dated than the Daredevil movie that came out almost twenty years earlier.
It's so generic that it comes around to being interesting. It's baffling how they present the most backbreaking cliche dialogue unironically. It's stunning, like it's a social experiment. I never seen characters act like movie characters in the way Morbius does. I borders on feeling like an SNL sketch. I was waiting for Andy Samberg to come out of nowhere and "oooo Whatchu saayyyy" coming on.
Morbius has a common comic book sequence where a monster is introduced and wipes out a room of people. This is seen with the Incredible Hulk. And of course, this was perfected in Spider-Man 2 with Dr. Octopus.
Now, the existence of this trope is obvious. It's a tried and true way to establish a character's transformation. It creates a sense of tension and danger. It's an organic way to work in narrative into a cool action set piece. Even something as terrible as Fantastic Four (2015) pulled off this kind of scene.
Morbius in its magical wisdom took what should be the easiest win this movie could make and made the most boring shit imaginable. Like how can you fail at the monster fucking up a room full of people scene? Why did Morbius hire a bunch of mercs? Were they there solely to contrive a reason for men with guns to get killed?
It's astounding how absorbing the badness is. The costumes and fashion feel like the production team had thirty minutes and $2000 at Old Navy to procur the costumes for this movie, so Morbius is wearing a dumb black hoodie for most of the film. Remember in Spider-Man 3 when Peter wears different outfits to reflect where he is morally. Yeah you can argue it was corny, but I find it better than him wearing a generic black hoodie that I would wear when my neurodivergent ass is having a lazy day. Your superhero protagonist shouldn't be on camera looking like they're having their lazy day throughout the entire runtime of the movie. Why am I talking about bloody costumes in a fucking movie review!!!!
With a fine tooth comb, and thankfully some Youtubers have done this already, you can probably find something wrong in almost every shot of this movie. The last movie to make me feel that way was Godzilla '98. But to its credit, unlike Godzilla '98, this movie isn't obnoxious. For how badly made this movie is, this movie is surprisingly watchable and absorbing. It is no where near as rage inducing like Amazing Spider-Man 2. To be fair, it helps they are only ruining a C-tier Spider-Man villain. It makes the failure easier to stomach. No one on Earth is losing sleep over Morbius not being properly adapted.
I feel like I watched one of those horror movies that based their premise on something that recently became public domain. Except, they hire Jared Leto. Like damn, I know Leto is a dick, but I don't think he is terrible enough to give him the indignity of being Morbius. I almost feel sorry for the guy.
Nah who am I kidding, it's honestly hilarious.
1. Across the Spiderverse
2. Into the Spiderverse
3. Spider-Man 2
4. Homecoming
5. Spider-Man
6. Spider-Man 3
7. No Way Home
8. Far From Home
9. Amazing Spider-Man
10. Let There Be Carnage
11. Morbius
12. Venom
13. Spider-Man TV Trilogy
14. Amazing Spider-Man 2
This film is worth seeing once but ONLY once. That alone puts it higher than it probably deserves. It's so incongruent to anything Spider-Man, but that what makes it interesting. It's audacious that a film this bad was released by a mainstream company.
That being said, watch it as a mere anomoly. I doubt this movie has any replay value. Like I said, it is not a so bad it's good movie. In my Amazing Spider-Man 2 review, I used a car wreck analogy, so I will use another one here. Morbius is a fiery car wreck that leaves an impact and gives you a new lease on life. And weirdly, the car wreck has improved your life more than hurt it. However, that doesn't mean I want to go through that same car wreck again.
Madame Web
Then that first dialogue scene happened, and oh boy. We got plenty to talk about.
First of all, if I lived in the Sony Spider-Man universe, Im attaching an explosive chip to any merc Im hiring under the assumption they will immediately try to kill me the moment Im close to what Im looking for. At least release them from their weapons while Im out off camera getting a spider theorized to help millions of people. Seriously, why wasn't there a shot where she finds it and carefully places it in a jar. That seems more important the merc looking for a spider that HE KNOWS is not there because the lady hasn't fucking found it yet!!!
Oh God, we are barely passed the six minute mark.
We are then introduced to Dakota Johnson doing her job with really bizarre music choice in the background. The music feels more applicable to an early MTV show or a femcel's Spotify playlist.
The dialogue is really bad. Madame Web leaves a horrible first impression by being rather obnoxious and antisocial to "family stuff." Wait, what the fuck does that mean? Did I make a mistake when writing my notes.
...
Oh God, Madame Web really says family stuff out loud.
I'll stop going scene by scene. Hopefully by now you get the idea that Madame Web is not letting Morbius win this contest of failure without a fight.
The standout with Madame Web compared to Morbius is just how awkward it is. You know that feeling where you don't feel comfortable in your own body? Maybe you're depressed or have gender dysphoria. I won't list all the reasons, but most people can understand this feeling.
Now I can't explain why Madame Web was uncomfortable beyond the fact that I know video files can't feel depressed or gender dysphoria. All I can say is that all the actors gave off a feeling that they were fighting for their lives. In fact, if you want the exact feeling Madame Web conveys, I have an old blog entry that's similar to Madame Web. I highly recommend reading it.
The awkwardness is what made me find the movie charming despite doing a lot of things that tend to get on my nerves. For example, normally one thing that will frustrate me is when a bad movie ruins a good concept. It's like they have a fantastic foundation. But instead of building a house, they installed a Tesla truck. And no, you can't move it.
Madame Web honestly has a really good concept. And considering I, like most people, initially wrote off a standalone Madame Web movie, I was surprised how much I was taken by the premise. A girl who awakes to future sight and can't tell at first whether she is seeing the future or living in the present reality was really cool, and the editing does some cool tricks during these sequences. And, a superhero movie where four physically defenseless people have to evade a relentless super villain with the only tool on their side being clairvoyance could have being an awesome movie. It's a novel idea which is always welcome in this oversaturated genre.
But beyond some neat editing and that cool underwater sequence, they do not do the premise justice. And on top of that, the characters fucking suck. And yeah, nothing can turn me off to a movie than bad characters, and Madame Web has some of the worst. You have a villain that feels ripped from a Saturday morning cartoon. You have three teenage girls who feel like they were written by an old four middle aged people. And I can only assume they were middle aged because I couldn't find the ages of the screenwriters online. I can only mention that two of them were Matt Sazama and Burk Sharpless, who are a duo that should be on the Mount Rushmore of terrible writing duos.
But despite committing more sins than movies I hate, I found this movie enjoyable. There is something about this execution of filmmaking that had me smiling even as I write this. It is the same feeling as that middle school kid bombing at the talent show. And if you don't know what I mean, it means you didn't listen to my request to read my old blog you fucking idiot.
1. Across the Spiderverse
2. Into the Spiderverse
3. Spider-Man 2
4. Homecoming
5. Spider-Man
6. Spider-Man 3
7. No Way Home
8. Far From Home
9. Amazing Spider-Man
10. Let There Be Carnage
11. Madame Web
12. Morbius
13. Venom
14. Spider-Man TV Trilogy
15. Amazing Spider-Man 2
I would put it higher cause I found it to be a genuinely fun so bad it's good movie (especially in the second half). However, unlike something like Let There Be Carnage or Amazing Spider-Man. Madame Web isn't a bad movie with one aspect that's solidly executed. It's more a bad movie with a concept, a flimsy theory of a good idea. Ive at least been proven wrong that Madame Web could in theory work as a movie. Theres a John Carpenters The Thing or Cronenberg's the Fly style remake that could easily make something great out of this.
Venom: The Last Dance
Anyway, this movie will be easy to write about because Venom 3 is basically more of the same as the first two. It's B-movie schlock in the guise of a mainstream movie. Its humor I imagine will appeal to some of you, but it doesn't to me. Yeah ha ha, it's cute that Venom, an alien monster who has no moral reservations eating humans, doesn't want to eat cute dogs. How relatable. What an anti-hero. Well I like hurting dogs, and I think Venom is a pussy.
So I said before, the who gives a shit attitude of Venom was never my cup of tea, but what always kept these movies above water was having some interesting elements. I don't remember much from the Venom movies, but I remember Carnage. I remember She-Venom and other creative choices. Stuff like that is why I could never fully condemn those movies.
But with Last Dance in particular, I struggle to pick out the diamonds in the rough. I guess the aliens are neat. Chiwetel Ejiofor is a superb actor and does his best with the material. And conceptually, the idea of a Power Rangers lineup of Venoms is fun. But nothing impressed me like Carnage did in the second movie. And unlike the first movie, they shouldn't still be trying to figure things out. We are in movie number 3, and it still feels muddled and lacking in focus. Maybe more so than in the first movie. Is it trying to go for a violent action comedy like Deadpool? Is it trying to be a somber anti-hero adventure? It tries to go for a bunch of shit and doesn't earn any of it.
And just to twist the knife, they add in a cringe inducing family that feels ripped from a Transformers sequel. I could feel the Letterbox star rating eroding like sped up glacier footage when they were on screen. If the action scenes were more like visual vomit, you might have convinced me this was a Michael Bay production.
1. Across the Spiderverse
2. Into the Spiderverse
3. Spider-Man 2
4. Homecoming
5. Spider-Man
6. Spider-Man 3
7. No Way Home
8. Far From Home
9. Amazing Spider-Man
10. Let There Be Carnage
11. Madame Web
12. Morbius
13. Venom
14. Spider-Man TV Trilogy
15. Venom: The Last Dance
16. Amazing Spider-Man 2
A question I asked myself was whether I would sit through this or any of the TV Spider-Man movies. And after some thought, Im taking awkward 70s TV dialogue and bad special effects over careless schlock. The Last Dance epitomizes the awkward three-quel. A frustrating conclusion to a trilogy that was already hoping you are reviewing it on a grade curve.
Man, I never thought when writing this that I would be feeling the most positive over Madame Web. Hey, at the very least, Im proving that still nothing can be as bad as Amazing Spiderman 2. Unless...well let's see if Kraven can prove me wrong.
Kraven the Hunter
Ehhh, kind of?
I think I understand why these films fascinate me. These films are the homunculi of cinema. They look like a movie and can impersonate the rhythms of a movie, but they never hide the uncanniness that plagues these films.
Remember the Psycho remake? The one Gus Van Sant made? I think no one would disagree that that movie is not very good. However, one quality I appreciate, whether it was intentional or not, is that the movie perfectly explains what makes movies special. There is a heart at the center of every great movie. And behind every interesting shot, there is a creative and deliberate decision that fuels that shot. Point is, the meaning behind the story beats and shots of the 1960s Psycho is to create suspense and shock, and the meaning behind the story beats and shots of the remake is to copy that. And the result is a movie without a soul.
Anyway, Kraven tries to copy qualities from the two previous homunculis, so you know this isn't going to end well. They try to make Kraven a brooding badass like Morbius. They even went back to Old Navy to get Kraven his outfits. And like Morbius, it is very generic in both its presentation and story.
And similar to Madame Web, the concept isn't bad. There are little story touches that theoretically could work in a better movie.
The difference though is that Kraven is one of the worst movies of all time.
I'll cut to the chase. I hate this movie. The pacing is completely shot. It spends an entire sequence to show Kraven's origin story when it can easily establish everything they set up in like five minutes. There are no cinematic flourishes. The characters are at best painfully stock. The action lacks any tension. It was hard for me to take notes because this movie has nothing. No attempt of any kind to be creative or interesting. Morbius in retrospect has more going on. And when Morbius looks better compared to you, that's when you know it's fucked.
Honestly, when watching the movie, a simple question was on the forefront of my mind, because I had to think about something while this movie was boring me. The question was is this movie worse than Amazing Spiderman 2. Because for a little while, I couldn't decide. Like, I literally had to take a walk to make a decision.
I referred to my blog about Worst Movies. I knew this blog would come in handy for dilemmas like this. Let's quickly go through the list and compare the two.
Which movie is less amateurish?
Worst Movies are more astounding when they aren't amateur projects. While Kraven has the backing of Sony, Amazing Spiderman 2 carries more professionalism by having a solid cast and better special effects.
Which movie is more interesting?
Uh God, there is nothing interesting about either of these. We'll make this one a tie. Jeez, where's Tommy Wiseau when you need him.
Which movie's impact was more harmful?
Yeah, there is no contest. Say what you will about Kraven, Morbius, or even Madame Web, it didn't ruin a Spiderman franchise. One that had Andrew Garfield, Emma Stone, and all the potential to be genuinely great.
Yeah ok, I think the results are in.
1. Across the Spiderverse
2. Into the Spiderverse
3. Spider-Man 2
4. Homecoming
5. Spider-Man
6. Spider-Man 3
7. No Way Home
8. Far From Home
9. Amazing Spider-Man
10. Let There Be Carnage
11. Madame Web
12. Morbius
13. Venom
14. Spider-Man TV Trilogy
15. Venom: The Last Dance
16. Kraven the Hunter
17. Amazing Spider-Man 2
While recency bias wants me to consider Kraven as the worst, I can't ignore Amazing Spider-Man 2 awfulness. Still, Kraven is a close second. It can't be enjoyed as an anomaly. It can't be enjoyed as a so bad so good movie. I cannot think of a single redeeming quality other than Amazing Spider-Man 2 won't be alone at the bottom.
And we're done. Man, this did not satiate my Spiderman appetite. Well, I shouldn't have expected more from this lineup. I guess I have to look to other sources....uhh....yeah to be continued. I don't know where I am going with this intrigue.
