Man And Witch: A Dance of a Thousand Steps | Critique Ramble

This review is going to be a little different. We're in August, and I didn't have a blog idea for this month. 

Because of that, I won't go in depth as much as I would with a movie like this. Because oh man, there is a lot to say about Man and Witch: A Dance of a Thousand Steps. 

Man and Witch is a throwback to 80s fantasy films such as NeverEnding Story, Princess Bride, and Labyrinth. This was the selling point that made me buy a ticket. I love fantasy films, and that era of fantasy always had a comfortable air that we rarely see nowadays. And plus, the premise is absolutely delightful. A man seeks the help of a witch to find a wife, so the witch makes them do some fantasyesque trials and falls in love with him in the process. If that is not some cuddling with your blankie type movie watching, I don't know what is. 

The problem is just that the movie is fucking bad. 

Now, I must preface that before the movie began, it showed a message from the main leads, Tami Stronach and Greg Steinbruner. And God bless them, they seemed to be lovely and have the purest vision when making this film. It's not a cynically made film. It's just a film that wastes a lot of potential, and I was frustrated watching it. 

Now, again I must preface, I don't like to be the type of reviewer to suggest improvements to an already released product. I'm somewhat cognizant that budgets, circumstances, or even personal opinions can affect how a movie is made. 

However, when during the entire runtime, you are thinking about nothing but rewrites instead of watching a movie, that's when I know Ive been pushed to my limit. 

The big thing is the romance element. An important thing to establish is answering why two people fall in love with each other. Because in real life, there is always a reason even if it's a simple superficial one. 

I never got a sense on why the witch falls in love with the main character other than some throwaway exposition that's brought up around the third act of the movie. She just likes him? It's not like the main character exudes anything attractive for the witch. He expresses no interest to the witch since he is so focused on his mission. Additionally, the relationship doesn't escalate in a satisfying way. There is no flirtation or tension. I should be excited for them, but Im not. I think it's because they offer no character. They're boring. The man doesn't have any quirks. He just wants a wife. The witch has a few more things going on, but it doesn't add anything to the romance. 

Imagine if the main character had a dorky love for animals and knew a lot about animals? Maybe he loves them so much he could actually talk to them. That way, you would have a proper excuse to having talking animals instead of being relegated to background characters that make crappy jokes. Yeah, that's the pinnacle of wasted potential with this film. You have animal puppets made by very talented artists, and you use them to make Scarface references. The animals could have been a great opportunity for character expression. That's why you have side characters, so your protagonist has people to interact with! It's why they're there! 

But going back to romance, why does the man fall in love with the witch? The film opens with the man longing at a woman with a white gown dancing in the distance. It later turns out to be the witch in the most predictable plot point in the entire movie. How bout you make the witch look like an actual witch. Give her green skin and warts all over. Then you can pull a Nanny Mcphee where she gets prettier over time or she is only attractive under the moonlight. In either case, you make the man fall in love with the witch FOR HER. You have him learn about her quirks and intelligence. And then you have that wonderful payoff moment where he realizes he is starting to fall in love with her. It's like this film had everything to be a Beauty and the Beast level romance, and it just isn't somehow. 

There is a piece of creative writing advice called the Grocery Store Hypothetical. You ask yourself what your character would be like if they didn't have their main goal or weren't thrusted into the plot of their story? In other words, how would they act if they had uneventful errand at the grocery store? If you applied this question to the Man and Witch, it wouldn't work. Because they aren't characters; they're props. Props for this facsimile of a fantasy romance story. Not for some that will trick your beating heart into thinking it is real. 

There are so many things that are just wasted. The witch has parents, one played by Christopher Lloyd, and he has barely anything to do. You got Orcs that look like third graders were given thirty minutes to make an Orc costume. Every scene has a joke that either needed to be rewritten, reedited, or both. The whole pacing and timing of everything is just amateurish. 

Watching this film felt like watching a student driver getting on the road for the first time. You are so desperately trying to be patient but every hard brake and car honk from other drivers just wears you down minute after minute. 

I have definitely seen worse films than this. Man and Witch doesn't even come closer to reaching to levels of Worst Movies. However, for all the strength in its concept, this is most disappointed Ive been in a movie in a while. 

I hope this doesn't spell the end to the production team of Stronach and Steinbruner. They clearly have ambition and passion to spare. But similar to a George Lucas, if you don't have that technical hand to guide that energy, it will end up being a lump of clay rather than finely crafted work of pottery.